So ... You Think You Know Everything?

... Bet you don't know all of these things:

• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge (You may count them if you'd like)
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the American $5 bill.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
• February1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.
• If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
• If you are an average Canadian, in your whole life you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• On a Canadian two dollar bill (if you can still find one) the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• The words "racecar," "kayak," and "level" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

... NOW you know everything!

Damn Those Martians!!!!!!!

Outlook for this week:

There's a bad case of the grizzles going round at the moment. As fast as one group get over it, another set show symptoms. Once, doctors thought physical illnesses were also passed along by the planets. Hence the word "flu"; short for "Influenza" or "under a bad influence." Though we now understand about viruses, we are still more prone to succumb to a bug when our defences are down—and the planets can still tell us when this is likely to happen. If you currently feel your strength is being sapped, it's probably the sharp angle from Mars to Pluto that's to blame. Get up early on Tuesday morning and you can catch one of these cosmic culprits in the act. Mars will be bright in the pre-dawn sky, surprisingly near the Moon. When you see it, remember THIS is what's causing so many people to feel stretched. Then, apply the astrological antidote. Remind yourself that, by the end of the week, we'll all be feeling better!

~ Jonathan Cainer at www.cainer.com

And they say men are from Mars and women from Venus ... so do we blame this on men too? Personally, I don't think that men are the cause of women's problems. They are the cause of their own problems, just as men are the cause of their own. We just need to understand and accept that and stop trying to place blame in the wrong direction. The world could be a gentler place if we could.

Are You Giving 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,
then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Fighting Again

Why does it always seem that I have to fight for everything I want in this life? I know that the things we have to fight for or work for are the ones we untimately appreciate the most, but just once I would love to have something be straightforward.

I have requested a reclassification of my job. With 6 years left until I can retire (early) I wanted to ensure that my payscale was at its best. My job has substantially changed, and I want my salary to reflect that. So I began the process by contacting the union. They reviewed the information I gave them and told me that there is currently no existing classification into which I fit. No surprise there since I have ultimately created this job. Problem with that is that now I have to justify my request to half the world, have it reviewed by the union and government, and possibly face a tribunal to justify it. Good God, I am doing the job!!!! Why do I have to justify that I should get more money for it?

Here I go again ... God give me strength and backbone.

Tension

The tension is building with each passing day. The thought of having to arrange for two moves is more than I can bear, yet I don't want to just grab any house just to have a place of my own to go. I don't know what else I can do. I know that by June 1 if I have not found a house, I have to start making arrangments to move in with my cousin temporarily. That is going to be very hard. He is living much more remotely than I am now, and I still won't have a vehicle. I thought I would have access to one, but I was wrong. Life is supposed to get easier, but this is making it very, very difficult. Everyone says not to worry, that there is still time, but I don't think they have ever worn my shoes. It is a very difficult and uncomfortable place to be. I don't know why God has put me into these circumstances, but I'm sure He has a reason. I have to say I would like to choke Him about now. Having my whole life in a state of flux is the only way to surrender to it, I suppose. Perhaps that is His purpose, so I shall try. I just pray that I come out on the other side in a state of awe at what has just happened. That would be just like Him.

Juggling

Sometimes I think I should have been a juggler. I seem to have so many balls in the air right now it is overwhelming. This is what is happening:

1. I now have 5-1/2 weeks to be out of my apartment and still do not have a place of my own to go.
2. One back-up plan has fallen through completely. The other one is sitting precariously and could go either way.
3. I am currently without a contract at work and don't know what kind of raise I am going to get to help out with my expenses, especially with supporting 2 young adults with little to no help.
4. I have gotten approval to apply for a reclassification of my position at work since the classification review process was rejected by the government after 2 years of work with it. This process will take months to be finalized, and, again, I have no idea what the outcome will be.

I started packing this weekend, but if feels strange to pack when I don't know where I am going. There is a lot of nostalgia attached too. This was the first move toward the new life I had chosen. I believe that now Chapter 1 is drawing to a close. I don't know where Chapter 2 starts, where it will take place, or what will happen. In some ways that is scary, in others it is exciting to be starting another leg of my journey.

I just wish the pieces of this jigsaw puzzle would start fitting into place. I'm trying to hold onto hope and keep a positive attitude. My intuition tells me that all will be well and I need not worry. My mind tells me there is too much to do and too little time to do it in. It is a push/pull scenario. Surely something concrete will rear its head this week. I really do not want to have to move twice. That is very inconvenient for many reasons, and will cost me more in expenses than I can afford with all the disconnects and reconnects involved and paying for people to move me twice. Something has got to give way in my life RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

Intensity on Friday the 13th

Have you noticed how everyone's life is very busy and overwhelming in the past week? There is an intensity in the air. I have never put a lot of faith in horoscopes, and faith is a word I wouldn't use with them, but rather with my spiritual beliefs. However, one astrologer that I follow is so spookily accurate that it gives me goosebumps. He foretold last week this time, of an intense alignment of the planets that is happening. He said that my week would be intense as would those of the people around me. So ... I paid attention to see if he was right. He was dead on!!!

He tells me I am now finding myself in a situation where I am working to beat the clock. Dead on again!!! I have 8 weeks to find a new place to live and be out of here. If that is not racing to beat the clock, I don't know what is, and it is stressing me out. He assures me I can take a breather and not worry, because it will happen. Let's see.

He also predicts that my deepest, dearest wishes are getting closer and closer. Oh God, I hope so. Time will tell. Perhaps sometimes soon, the emptiness inside of me will go away. In the meantime, I will pray. That is my strongest connection: believing in the one who created the stars and planets. I believe they will all guide me to my destiny.

Mothers' Day

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I pick up things. What am I?

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word Mother.


Amazing, isn't it, that children would first think of their mother's, even in a science-related test. Today is Mothers' Day. It is a day to show your mother how much you appreciate her in your life. My children gave me gifts. I will give my mother a gift. What will you do for your mother?

Happy Mothers' Day!!!!!!!!!!

Notes

Keyboard speaks of the different types of keys. There are three others he forgot: monKEY, donKEY, and a turKEY, but they are not particularly musical, and they can't open a door.

There is a similar comparison with notes:

Post-it notes
bank notes
musical notes
real estate notes
Lotus notes
note taking
promissory note
to note something (notice)

If we have lots of keys and notes, perhaps we can create a wonderful song.

Do - re - mi - fa - sol - la - te - do
(Doe, a deer, a female deer ... )

:o) Oh happy day!!!!!

Sunshine

Funny ... when I wrote that heading intending to talk about one thing, it reminded me of something else that sort of fits in here. One of the nicknames that I have been dubbed in my life is "Sunshine." The reason for that is that I smile a lot. Just the other day, someone commented on the fact that I am always smiling. I've heard that many times over the years.

I love to smile. I'm not always successful at it because I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I prefer to live my life wearing a smile. I am a person who can see the extraordinary in the ordinary, and it makes me smile. Someone might see a tree; I see an intricately woven pattern by God's grace, a home for birds and insects, shade from the sun, and a beautiful colour come fall. I also see the strength that God has given that tree to hold on so tightly through the fiercest of winds.

What I actually started to write here were the words to a song:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all the obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that pass me by
It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.

The sun is shining, and I am starting to feel a little less stressed about my life. I can see some of my clouds beginning to dissipate, although I still don't know what I will see in the clearing. Here's hoping for much more sun. I must remember all the reasons I have to smile!!!!!!!

Hope

Where do you find hope? I know it is in the dictionary between helpless and love. I am constantly searching for hope every place that I can find it. I need to fill the voids in my life. I hate the feeling of hopelessness and emptiness, like the things I want and need will just never be because I can't find them or don't know how to reach them. Even when I do try, nothing seems to come to fruition.

Am I trying too hard? Not hard enough? I don't know what to do. I have tried prayer, horoscopes, Tarot cards, and talking to friends. Every last one of them tells me that there is hope, that the things I need will come but will just take time. That because I have to wait, these things will be beyond wonderful, and I will have a true appreciation for them.

Yes, I will indeed treasure them with my whole heart. Having waited so long for wonderful things will enable me to never take them for granted. I only wish, beyond all wishing, that they will come soon. Some days I think I will lose my mind waiting, only because I lose patience. Please, God, bring these things soon before I go nuts!! Show me how to wait patiently, but please don't take too long.

News

Isn't there any good news on TV? It seems all I ever hear on there is the bad stuff, rather sensationalized. I would love to hear the good stuff for a change. Surely there is more good than bad in this world. Come on people ... give us some of that good stuff. If the crime rate rises because criminals follow suit of what they see on TV, then so too should it hold true that the good could increase as a result of publicizing that. So ... let the sun shine through.

One Journey Ends ... Another Begins

As I write tonight, a friend of mine is in her last 24 hours of life here on Earth. She has courageously fought the demon we know as cancer, but the war shall soon end. At the age of 51, she has had a good life. Sure, it was not without its trials and tribulations, as we have all endured, but the faith that she has has carried her through. She is a wonderful, kind, loving woman. One of God's precious jewels, and God always comes to gather his jewels.

Good night, Michele. May the angels sing thee to thy rest. God bless you!

Cell Phone Hell

You know, if I wanted to be screwed by "Roger" I would want him to be a real man. I promise you that I will NEVER again have a cell phone with a Rogers Wireless cell phone package, EVER. Yes, I am naming them here. This has been hell on Earth having a package with them. Here is the latest scenario.

My son decides he wants an upgraded cell phone, but the package we have (which he has been using all along) has 6 months left on it and cannot be upgraded. I agree to take over the remaining term and will cancel or upgrade with a different company at the end of the term. He gets the new phone, but wants the old phone number, so we are advised to switch simm cards and then Rogers will switch the numbers on our accounts, leaving the accounts in tact, in one month's time. Well ... it is now a month and 3 phone calls later and I find out that this simple request CANNOT be done because it is a "legal" issue. So my son either has to be take the new number and distribute it to his 200 contacts (which he is unwilling to do) or find a friend to take over his brand new contract then take over the one I have with the number he wants, which can now (1 month later) be upgraded. The company who sold us the new phone screwed up telling us that we could make that change, and no one will go good on it because they say they "can't." We live in the same freakin' house and both agree to the changes, but NOOOOOO it can't be done!!!!!!!

I am so ticked off. I have called them on at least 7 other occasions trying to sort out different issues with them. I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have a phone with them again. I will go without first. This is THE WORST customer service I have ever received. I will certainly advise my friends never to use their service. This is unbelievable!!!!!

I've Earned This

It is amazing. Our office is moving back to our permanent home next week. We have been in an awesome office environment for the past 9 months, with lots of natural lighting and big work areas. We are going back to a building that is dark, dingy, and with work areas smaller than what we had before we moved out of it.

This year will mark my 25th anniversary of working with my company. I am senior staff member. When I first started working there, I had a window, open space to work in, and a workload that actually allowed me to be bored from time to time. Now, 25 years later, I have 4 times the work, less space, less light (in fact absolutely no overhead lighting in my new cubicle), and little time to even breathe.

I am beginning to feel like a mushroom: kept in the dark and fed bullshit. Gee, I've worked here for a quarter of a century. I have earned this!!!! Gee, MouseGuy, I guess I will be in a dungeon too. Keyboard, does that cave of yours have any better lighting? Unbelievable!!!!!!! All in the name of advancement.

Hopes and Dreams

When God is about to do something great, he starts with a difficulty. When he is about to do something truly magnificent, he starts with an impossibility. — Armin Gesswein

It would seem that my house hunting, with all its restrictions, is an impossible task. I hope this quote is right, and that it will be magnificent. I've been waiting a long time for a lot of great things in my life. I hope they are all magnificent when they finally arrive.

How Men and Women Think Differently

The following are definitions as men and women see them. I think I am part male when it comes to some of these. (haha)

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ... Any part under a car's hood.
Male ... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female ... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male ... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female ... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female ... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male ... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. [I can relate to the male interpretation here too. Yummy!!]

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Living Will

Living Will

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of cockamamy, ethically challenged politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature (Provincial or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

_____________________
Signature

Date__________

_____________________
Witness

_____________________
Witness

Date__________

I Can't Take It Any More!!!!

Something has got to give and give now. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I've even begged God to help. Why won't the changes I need in my life come? I don't understand. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and only a few small things seem to change here and there. I can't figure out if any of them are segues into the big changes I need or not. I can't take this one more day!!!

I'm at my wits end. Why won't things come? It damn well better all be worth all this waiting when it does gets here. My patience has worn very thin.

Forward This to ...

Do you hate those e-mails as much as I do that tell you to "forward this e-mail to 10 of your friends or you will have bad luck in the next 3 days." Or they tell you "If you love God, forward this."

I'm sorry, but no amount of forwarded e-mail is going to change fate. All that will do is jam up the Internet with a lot of unwanted e-mails and piss off some of your friends. If the message is a nice one or a great joke, I will forward that to my friends, generally without the "forward this" part. Sometimes I forget to remove that.

For more information about what I mean, click here. This explains it all very well.

And, before you forward to 10 of your friends thinking you will have good luck, think of whether those 10 friends would appreciate the content of what you are sending. Just send the funnies ...