The Monkey Trial: The Debate Continues

The old debate of evolution vs. creationism is not dead. In a Pennsylvania school late this fall a superintendent of schools walked into a classroom and read a statement to students mandated by the school board that read, in part:

Because Darwin's theory is a theory, it is still being tested as new evidence is discovered. The theory is not a fact. Gaps in the theory exist for which there is no evidence ... Intelligent design is an explanation of the origin of life that differs from Darwin's view. The reference book Of Pandas and People is available for students to see if they would like to explore this view ... As is true with any theory, students are encouraged to keep an open mind.

That is quite a step, encouraging students to keep an open mind. Yes, every theory is full of holes. Until something is proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, any theory is full of holes. Can we prove evolution? No, we can't. Some of the make-up of the human body is so precise (so say scientists) that it seems impossible to have been a mutation that has evolved. Was woman made from the rib of a man or from the dust of the Earth? Who knows for sure? Men and women have the same number of ribs. Perhaps the truth is a combination of both.

I believe the whole universe is ruled by a power greater than ourselves. A power we cannot see, yet we can feel it, and we can see the results. Can we see the wind? No, but we know it is there. We can feel it and see the power it has.

Perhaps this step in Pennsylvania is the first step in allowing God back into the classrooms. We allow guns and other weapons in the classroom. We teach children about safe sex in the classroom. So why can't we teach them that there are many different religions in the world and that we must respect each other's beliefs? I believe we can without instilling our personal values on children. Those should come from home.

We may live in Canada, a multicultural nation, but God is being torn from our majority Christian practices. We are told that we now must celebrate a "holiday" season and not "Christmas." To that I say, "You call it what you like, but I will tell you if you offend me by calling it a simple holiday and not Christmas." No one will take the Christ out of Christmas for me. After all ... that is what Christmas is—a mass celebrating the birth of Christ, our saviour.

That's the way I see it...

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

[teehee ... I'm so glad I'm not like most women. I'm not actually crabby most of the time.]

Cars

Over at Sam's Place he is talking about cars and whether or not they are American. I sum it up like this:

A car has 4 wheels and an engine as well as many working parts that can break down. No one ever knows who makes those parts, but they don't last forever regardless of who does. It will be "the cheapest bid wins."

A car transports you from point A to point B in whatever level of comfort you choose to put your money into for the brand you want.

Personally ... I would love to simply have a car. So Keyboard ... you are lucky no matter what you choose.

It Figures

Yesterday, all provincial government employees received an e-mail from the Premier about a new award, the "Premier's Award of Excellence" meant to be awarded to any provincial employee who shows outstanding leadership, service, etc. My first thought was, "yeah, here come more rewards for management and the little guys will still not be recognized."

It wasn't 1/2 hour later when our division received an e-mail from middle management suggesting that we nominate the Director. How typical!!!! For once, I would like to see the little guy be appreciated. Maybe I am just sensitive because there are several things happening in my life at the moment that make me feel unappreciated, but I see it all too often when the support people have the great ideas, put them to work, and then management takes all the credit and accolades. Personally, I believe we should all be humble and take reward in a job well done, one that helps those who know nothing about you.

It figures, doesn't it????

Defining Frustration

This is how I define frustration lately:

• Wanting to cut the grass, but the blade has not been attached and needs to be sharpened. I have no file to do so, and have lost patience with the unco-operative weather and getting someone to do it for me.
• Wanting to hang blinds and not having a drill to drill into the wood frames because I am not strong enough to screw them in without drilling. I also don't know how to use a drill, don't have one, don't have a ladder/stepstool to reach the window, and am having difficulty getting someone to help.
• Wanting to cut low-hanging branches off trees that are in the way and not having big, heavy shears to cut them or a saw.
• Wanting to move firewood back under the newly-renovated deck and having a wheelbarrow with a flat tire. It requires a compressor or an inner tube to fix it, neither of which I have.
• Needing to replace a piece of chimney and not being able to light a fire until it is fixed.
• Needing to rip up a piece of carpet that is glued down and not having a pair of vice-grips to pull it up with.
• Needing to buy a lot of things and having trouble finding a way to get them home when you can't carry them on the bus.

These are just some of things that are frustrating me at the present time. It makes me shake my head and ask myself why the hell I wanted to buy a house on my own when I don't have a car either. Some days it feels too restrictive for many reasons. I'm trying hard to keep positive that this is where God wants me to be. This is not a step backwards, it is a step towards a wonderful future, one that is waiting just around the corner for me. I certainly hope it is just around the corner anyway. I don't know how long my patience will hold out like this. Life will be good, right? Life will be good.

Remarkable Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

• Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate
• teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch
• a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student

These things only worsened his condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Do you remember him?

Junk Mail

I think we all get a lot of spam and junk e-mail, but the junk snail mail is still in full force too.

I have moved three times in the past three years, and somehow my junk mail seems to follow me around, and I didn't even give them a forwarding address!!!!!!!

Today, I received the same magazine twice from two of my former addresses, but none at the current one. I can hardly wait until that address catches up with me too so that I get three copies of a magazine that I don't want. They even supplied their website address. However, I can't access their site without signing up. If I do that, they will have my current address. I DON"T THINK SO, TIM!!!

Sheesh. I guess I just have to keep contributing to the "save a tree" campaign, and stick them in the recycling bag. And to think a tree had to die just so I could throw out the paper!!!

Adjusting to Change

Adjusting to change is challenging for everyone, no matter who you are. We are all creatures of habit. Some people can embrace change and thrive on it, while others will dig their heels in and refuse to budge for the a very long time.

I took a course in change management last year that defined how different people adjust and adapt to change. I guess it has been timely because I have had a tremendous amount of change in my life this year. I knew on January 1 that this was to be a year of transition for me. This past week has been the most challenging of them all.

I moved into a new house. This house is mine. The first on my own. I have full responsibility for it all and all the expenses that come with it. Am is scared? Yeah, I'm scared sh**less!! The worst part was moving in at a time when fall is pressing upon us and having outdoor things that MUST be attended to at the same time as you are trying to unpack and organize. That was difficult enough. Then for the first time in 3 years, I have both my children living with me at the same time. They don't always get along very well. This was a lot of adjustment all at once, and was completely overwhelming. Not having a partner in my life made it more difficult because I couldn't share any of the responsibilities and had to shoulder them all. My faith went completely out the door, and I was reduced to tears on a few occasions. I'm coming down from that now ... way down ... and that is a good thing. I have the plans in place for the major work to be done. The furniture is set up, maybe not where it will stay, but set up nonetheless. Now I can pick away at the rest over time.

Yes, adjusting to change is hard, and I don't mind change, however this was a lot of it all at once so I got a little overwhelmed. I think if I hadn't needed to deal with the new roof, new deck, cracked foundation, and painting and caulking the windows within the next few weeks, I would have handled this much better I am sure. Now I have calmed down, but am still busy. I've just learned to pace myself.

My son told me, "Mom, I don't like to see you this way. You don't have to do everything all at once. You're killing yourself. Slow down." Another friend told me the same thing. They were right. Sometimes we can take wise advice from those younger than us and those who stand on the outside looking in. They see a different perspective. I thank them both and love them both.

I am sure that my year of transition has not yet ended ... stay tuned for more to come. I have other irons in the fire as well.

I HATE Moving!!!!!

This last move was the biggest one I've had yet, and so many headaches. I am too stressed about it all. Finally this evening I am beginning to relax a little, from sheer exhaustion if nothing else. This is what happened:

• 1/2 hour before pre-close inspection we ran into a legal problem that had not been resolved. The seller was gone, their lawyer was out of town, and their realtor was away as well. It took a lot of "urgent" work on my lawyer's part, but we had it resolved by early afternoon.
• On inspection, we found a crack in the foundation that had been hidden by stuff in the pre-purchase inspection. Now mine to pay for. Permacrete comes tomorrow for the estimate.
  
• Immediately following that, my appliances arrive. It took 3.5 hours to get them in after having to remove the screen door, the steel door and the the fridge door. They managed to put a little dent in the top far corner. I'll live with that so I could have cold food.
• Next day it took 3 hours to load and unload the two trucks. I was flabbergasted at that, but everything was put everywhere and without a lot of care. I got many scratched pieces of furniture and dents and scratches in walls.
• I discovered that there are only 4 phone jacks here and only 3 that actually work. One of them should have been a wallmount phone jack, but isn't. Aliant comes on Thursday to fix and install more.
• Now, I thought I had room for everything, but it appears that I don't or have to put a lot more thought into how to arrange things so that it will. More headaches.
• Now there are curtain rods and curtains to buy since they took them all but one or two. They were supposed to leave them all but two sets.
• The security system is all set up and activated. Hopefully we won't set that off accidentally.

I have questioned myself several times in the past few days as to why it was I wanted to do this. How foolish of me to think that this would be a good thing. I don't like doing this alone. It's too overwhelming, at least at the moment. I hope it will all die down shortly. Right now it is chaos and insanity. I should have moved into an institution instead!!!!

Who Says Size Doesn't Matter?

Last week I went with my daughter to a local camera store to buy her a 35 mm camera she needed for her courses at school. She had gone in previously and looked at a couple and chose which one she wanted. I met her there to purchase it.

When we finally got to speak to the sales manager that she had been dealing with, he showed me the camera. I said OK, and off he went to get one from the stock. He came back with two—one model a little different from the other. I asked him what the price difference was. One was about $80 cheaper than the one he had first shown us. I asked what was different in the way of features. He took the one we originally looked at out of the box and showed me the numbered settings on the lens. (There was an additional setting on the more expensive model, but I hadn't noticed it to this point.) He turned the dial to the second last setting on the adjustments, then said to me, as he turned the dial from the second last setting to the last one, "The difference is between this and this." The lens popped out about another 1/4".

I started to chuckle. I turned away from the counter and looked at my daughter. She didn't know what I was laughing at, then I said to her, "I'm not even going to tell you what I'm thinking." Then she understood. She shook her head, giggled, and said to me, "Mom, I can't take you anywhere!"

At this point I was laughing out loud. I couldn't restrain myself any longer. I turned back to the sales manager who had a smile on his face, laughed, and said, "I think I like you." Then I started to laugh out loud again. It was a great laugh on an otherwise busy and stressful day.

Would you have paid an extra $80 for another 1/4"? I did, and it was worth it!!!!!!!!

Open Wide ...

Tonight I had my 6-month check-up and cleaning at the dentist. This is one task I absolutely hate. I don't like dental work at all.

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with sharp objects, and then they start scraping them and nearly pulling them out of your head with this sharp metal hook. What's with that?

They say not to put foreign objects into your mouth, then they proceed to put their fingers, a mirror, a pick, and a stream of water or air in there all at the same time. First thing you know, they ask you a question and expect you to answer with all these things in there. Like they could understand what you answered anyway!!!!!

I have a really wonderful gag reflex, which I curse for more reasons than one. It is annoying. I even had them mark it on my chart so they can keep their grubby little fingers and utensils away from the back of my tongue and my palate. I've gotten pretty good at retracting my tongue to keep it out of the way and also for the doctor and those damn tongue depressors.

Oh well ... I got through it, and have no cavities. Next appt. — March.

Getting Older

Today is also my son's birthday. He is my youngest, and has just turned 20. I have no more children in their teens. That makes me feel old. I don't like that part. I have to say, though, that the past year has made a huge difference in him. He has matured more in a wonderful way. I really like what I see in him. As for me ... I just got older ... and maybe a little wiser. At least we can hope I am wiser. Here's hoping the two of us (and my daughter, too, of course) see several other 20-year periods. It's a long time in some ways, and goes quickly in others. Life is just too damn short for some things.

That'll Cost You ...

I am discovering how expensive it is to move—twice at that. This is what I was told:

• Yes, you can rent this truck and it will cost you $__ for the day and $__ per kilometre.
  
• As a courtesy, I will feed lunch to the people who are volunteering their time to help me move. That will cost me $__. This is a small cost because I appreciate the help so much.
  
• We will disconnect your phone and Internet from your current location and reconnect at the new one and it will cost you $__ for this service.
  
• We will install your satellite service for free, but it will cost you a 2-year contract. If you wish to terminate the contract before the end of the term, it will cost you $300.
• The post office will redirect my mail again, but it will cost $__ to do so.
  
• We will connect you with water service, but it will cost you $____ to connect.
  
• Your power can be connected and based on budget, but you will have to pay the budget amount of the previous owners. That will cost you $100 more per month than what you are paying now.

It is unbelievable how much it costs. I don't think I will want to move again any time soon after this. I think I will be too poor to do that.

It's Getting Closer

Just 20 more sleeps and I will be in my own home. It has been a busy time, and I'm starting preparations for the move now. Any volunteers to help?

I may not be posting much while I am preparing for the move. Much to do. So ... if I don't talk to you for a bit, don't forget about me. I'll still be thinking of you.

Awesome!!!

This weekend, I saw some of the most awesome sights in nature. I spent the weekend at the Ovens National Park in Lunenburg. I had often heard about them, but had never been there. I was not prepared for how awesome they really were.

The campsite overlooked the ocean. When there is nothing but ocean for as far as the eye can see, it seems so incredible that there is that much water actually on the Earth. It spanned for miles and miles. The sun and moon shining on it all that distance just made it seem even more expansive. The Bluenose even sailed into the bay.

Then there was the Ovens themselves. We went for a walk on the nature trails. The view from the top of the cliffs was spectacular. I almost felt as though I was looking at the Grand Canyon. The cliffs were sheer rock that had been just gouged away by glaciers, exposing thousands of layers of rock, many of which were different colours. The ovens were deep caves gouged even further into these cliffs. When the water comes up into them and the waves roll in and out, it sounds like thunder. It was awesome!

When we took a walk all along the different portions of the beach, the sights were amazing. (Yes, I have actually seen a beach before.) All of the rocks on the beach were either completely round and smooth from years of water washing over them or they were jagged, very large hunks of jagged rock in many layers.

There was also a few farm animals that I went to see. There were two pigs (Pork and Ham; that really is their names) , five rabbits, and two goats. The goats and pigs loved to have their heads scratched. They are cute. I got some nice pics too.

I think the most awesome sight I saw, though, was the lovers going hand-in-hand and arm-in-arm. Love is the most awesome thing on Earth, and I was envious!!!

Nursery Rhymes, 21st Century Style

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgy Porgie Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad ...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

The Count Down Is Officially On

The countdown is on for my next move. One month from today is my closing date for taking possession of my new home. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. This move will be bigger than the last, and a little more complex. There are things to move from 4 locations into the new one. I think I'm going to need lots of help for this one. Now to start making all the plans. Let the fun begin!!!

Smells Versus Smelly

Since Keyboard touched on the topic of scents, I would like to expand on it more.

We, here in Nova Scotia, are much more aware of environmental sensitivities than anywhere else in Canada or the world. I get aggravated by the people who complain about scents being banned. It is not simply because people do not like the smell of things (and there are some very stinky things out there) but because of an allergy and/or severe reactions (even anaphylaxis) to the chemicals used to create these scents.

A century ago, I don't believe there were many scents around that were not natural ones. People also didn't have many problems with allergies/asthma and other respiratory ailments. Researchers believe that many of these began when we started putting carpets on our floors and started to become a much more "clean" society. The carpets contributed to locking dustmites and other allergens inside our houses. We could no longer take our rugs out and hang them in the sun to kill these mites and beat the dirt out of them. Then came more awareness of cleanliness and the introduction of "antibacterial" cleaning supplies. We started killing the good bacteria and killing off so much of the bad stuff that our bodies no longer knew how to fight them. Now all that was left was for our bodies to fight our own histamines and create these problems.

The introduction of the chemical era, where everything is pumped full of chemicals, including our foods, has further complicated our lives. Researchers are now saying that our foods are so pumped full of chemicals that it takes our dead bodies upwards of 100 years to decompose as compared to the small fraction of that a century ago.

So what are we doing to our bodies anyway? Why are we pumping all these chemicals into everything? The drugs we take, the soaps/shampoos we use; our cleaning products, and nearly everything we eat are filled with chemicals. What happened to finding natural ways of doing things. God did not create this world without every natural thing we need to take care of ourselves.

So, I'm sorry if my request of you to refrain from using chemically-scented products offends you, but it makes me ill, it is not simply that I don't like it. If you do not respect that, then may you someday be blessed with the infliction and a better understanding and appreciation of its implications on a person's health.

Taxed to Death

I know we are all familiar with the saying "born free, taxed to death," and that really is no exaggeration. Take a look at the price of gas right now. It is out of this world. I'm glad I don't have to buy it, but I still pay for it through my electric bill. The electric company uses fuel for its generators and passes along the increase to the consumers. None of us can escape it.

This same government that is imposing this sky-high fuel tax is also offering its public service employees only 2.9%, 2.9%, and 2.9% raises in a 3-year contract to their already below average salaries. I fail to see how they can justify this. This increase doesn't come close to meeting the cost of living. On top of that, how much money did they get in the oil deal? How much of that do you think our public servants will see? I only know they line their pockets well. They give themselves 6%+ raises every year on their 6-figure salaries while they work us as if we were in sweatshops.

Am I sick of being taxed to death, overworked, and underpaid by our provincial government? You bet!!!!

Watching Letters Two

Over at Sam's Place, he is talking about watching his letters and the funny errors that can result when we miss them. I have three such experiences I can relate as well.

About 20 years ago, when computers were just beginning to hit our office and schools, I typed a letter for the boss I had at the time. He was a business education consultant, and part of the business ed curriculum included the use of computers in the classroom. In this letter he was writing to a principal, he talked about sending along some information to him. I typed the letter, scanned it, and gave it to him for signature. Well ... I should have read it more carefully, because he came out of his office laughing and asked me to re-read the letter. Half-way through it I saw the source of his laughter. The information he was intending to send was a "floppy disk" in which instance I had erroneously substituted the letter "c" for the "s." I'm pretty sure my face turned red, he continued to laugh, and said, "I can see where your mind is." My mind is still there.

In another instance, after much proofreading by several people, there was still an embarrassing misspelling in an English language arts guide that was sent to all high school teachers in the province. One of the teachers found it, circled it, and faxed it to us suggesting that we may want to correct the error for future printings, which of course we did. In this instance, the "l" was left out of a reference to "public" schools. Just what are we teaching our children???

I'm sure you may have heard the controversy last year about the error that was printed on several thousand pins that were distributed by the Department of Health during flu vaccination time. This one makes me laugh the hardest, I believe, because there may be a total of 15 words on the pin, yet someone could not read it closely enough to see that they were promoting "pubic health" in the province. That one really blew me away. I think the cost of that error to the province was $30G. No small potatoes, and it made the news.

I guess we need to very carefully watch our Ps and Qs, or in these instances, our Ls and Ss!!

Death Clock

Well, Keyboard, according to that death clock website, I will be 102 when I die. It's kind of scary to think that someone has created a clock that they think tells them when we will die. Personally, I think our Creator is the only one with that knowledge.

More on Periods

OK, Keyboard. I will take your word for your meaning of the two periods. At my age, two periods that close together is not that unusual. (LOL)

As for using them to fill in the blanks on your example stories, I hope to someday complete one of those stories for you, in my version..

Two Periods?

So, Keyboard, what's with the double periods at the end of your blogs anyway? What is the significance? An ellipsis is three periods, indicating something is left out.

I agree with you that sometimes the design in multiple-language instructions can be very confusing and a waste of paper. We all read things differently, so it can be hard to know what a reader is looking for. Some designers get it right, others struggle. Then again, what is right for one reader is not for another. Oh well, we try hard. Just follow the English ones as best you can and forget the rest are there. Follow the yellow brick road and you will find the wizard to help you.

I'm off to see the wizard ... Do you suppose the wizard could help me too?

What a Difference a Period Can Make

Yeah ... that one, too, depending on your situation. It can be a friend or a curse. (teehee)

However, what I am referring to today is the use of periods and commas in writing. Misplacing or not using either one can totally change the the context of what you are writing. The following examples are courtesy of Reader's Digest. I'm sure you have seen others like them.

From a Grade 2 student on a farewell banner to his teacher: Thank you for teaching us Jack. {Guess she wasn't such a great teacher, huh?}

From a State Trooper: Get tips on how to keep yourself safe from Trooper First Class Ronald Yanica of the Maryland State Police. {Not a trooper I want to mess with!}

Reporting on a Robbery: Authorities said the robber is a 6-foot tall white male with a beard weighing approximately 220 pounds. {That must be a very heavy weight on his face. Somethign must be nesting in it.}

Woman reading an essay her husband had written: After retiring my wife, the kids and I plan to ... {I can imagine the look of shock on her face.}

Just a reminder to be sure to reread what you have written with the proper oral pauses to ensure that you do not deliver an incorrect message. You may insult someone or, if you are lucky, you may just give them a laugh. At minimum, you could certainly raise a few eyebrows!

This Page Intentionally Left Blank—A Response

Keyboard, you are so right. It is ridiculous when you see this. Working with publishing on a daily basis, I have seen this many times.

This assumes idiocy on the part of the reader that they would not know that there is supposed to be a blank page leading into the next section or chapter. For the most part, publications, unless there is a space issue such as in magazines and newspapers, start a new chapter or section on a right-hand page. Often this means that the left-hand page is blank. A good proofreader would check to ensure that the information on the preceding right-hand page is complete so as not to lead the reader to believe that there should be more information that follows.

Personally, I think things like this are rather insulting to people's intelligence. Most people are not that stupid. I think that is right up there with writing notes in user's manuals telling people not to use a powersaw while naked or to put their fingers into a running lawnmower. Well ... duh!!! Who would do that anyway? Then again ... I do know someone who put his fingers in a running lawnmower and got one of them cut off. Yes ... that was idiocy. Enough said!!!!

Charles Schultz's Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point. It will just take a moment.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are not second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Acheivements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

So don't feel you have to keep up with the Joneses or that you have to reach the top of the ladder in your job. Just be someone who cares. I know I am far more impressed by a kind heart than I am by money.

Communications—A Response to Sam's Place

Communications, as Keyboard pointed out, is an evolutionary process. Yes, we have cordless phones, wireless headsets, cell phones, e-mail, text messages, and instant messaging.

However, there is still no substitute for face-to-face conversation where both parties listen and are heard. There is far too little of this in our society. Few people know how to REALLY communicate these days. It's really a sad state of affairs.

I, for one, will do my part to listen (and not just wait for a chance to talk), to hear, and to try to understand. In turn, I hope I receive the same. Communication is VERY important. Be careful to say what you truly mean and say it as kindly as you can, even if it does hurt someone. That's the nature of life.

Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number ... or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life
You become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . .
YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.
Oooohh what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED ; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now.
You're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're
PUSHING 40. Whoa!
Put on the brakes . it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you
REACH 50 ... and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!

You MAKE IT to 60.
You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you
HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there

Into the 90s, you start going backwards ...
"I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Thunderstorms

Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned thunderstorms that used to clear the air? That doesn't seem to happen these days. It used to when I was kid. (Does that give my age away?)

The summers are so incredibly humid around here now that it is gross. I don't even like to see summer arrive anymore because of it. I do enjoy the nice days when there is a bit of a cool breeze and the sun is shining, though. Those are my kind of summer days.

Have you ever been in a thunderstorm in the mountains when the storm starts in the valley? It is an awesome sight. The storm continues to bounce back and forth from one mountain to the other, each time coming back with more vengeance, until it finally reaches the mountaintops and blows away. It is incredible. The sound is booming, the buildings shake, and the lightning is so bright and near.

I'm not afraid of thunder, but I don't like it when the lightning gets really close. I've seen what it can do by splitting trees, blowing holes in roofs, and killing people stone dead in their shoes.

The powers of the universe are awesome. Do you take the time to think about that and look at them with awe? There is always a power greater than ourselves out there. We just need to look for it.

It is also amazing to see that what follows the thunderstorms are the rainbows. So it is with life, too. If we are seeking that rainbow, what makes us think that we can have it without first enduring the thunderstorms or at least the rains of life.

The task ahead of me is never as great as the power behind me. Somehow, some way, some day, I will reach my destination. But God ... can you hurry that up a little? I could use that rainbow and a little sun.

Did You Know?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart are really weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are I love you, sorry, and help me. (I only have trouble with the latter.)

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone the help is returned two-fold?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, and staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned two-fold.

The Birds & The Bees—Modern Version

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said,' You've Got Male.'"

Crosswalks

I do not have a car, so I either take public transit or walk most of the places I am going. One of the sources of aggravation I've encountered, especially in the past week or so, are crosswalk lights that don't work.

I find it frustrating that if you are even 5 seconds late pressing the walk light button after the light turns green, you have to wait for another complete cycle of lights before you can get the next light, and that is provided that the change has not cancelled the trigger you pushed. I have had that happen, and then have to wait for 2 cycles before you can cross. This is especially frustrating if the weather is bad.

Then there are those that just don't work at all. You can press that darn button all day, and you never get a cross light. So what happens if you just cross at one of those places where the light doesn't work and you get hit by a car? Who, then, becomes at fault for the accident? You have to cross the street sometime!!!!!

Stay Out of It? Who Me?

Now, Keyboard, do you really think I am going to stay out of this one? You left such segueways, there is no way I can't take advantage of that.

First of all, I would give almost anything to see MouseGuy pull his laptop around on a little trailer with wheels. I can just picture that big, very masculine man pulling a little laptop around on wheels. Keyboard, if you see that, please take a picture and give it to me. That would be a picture well worth keeping. The day I see that, I will also hand him my purse to carry. He is way too masculine for that.

Now I am just wondering what a hard drive guy is? (excerpt from Sam's Place)

Hmmm ... I wonder what a hard drive guy is. Let me see ... a man who drives hard? OR MAYBE a hard man with a drive? Now there is a thought ... A hard man with a drive would be a wonderful thing to find. (teehee)

Strange Happenings in the Dungeon

Oh my!!!! MouseGuy has a skin remote control? Ummm ... hmmmm ... can I see it? Can I use it? How exactly does it work? Does it uncover the skin? Does it move the skin back and forth, and back and forth? Mmmm ... I could think of some uses for that? Sounds like it has tremendous possibilities. Ummm ... MouseGuy? Can I borrow it?

A-s-s

A suitable solution? I think not. I was on that bus today, as usual, and it was packed to the doors before it even left Halifax. They have insufficient seating for the crowds that take that bus ALL the way home. By the time I got off at my stop the load was still standing. That is ridiculous. If they are going to put inadequate buses on the route, at least send two at once. I mean really!! In my opinion, these buses suck a-s-s!!! Hmmmm ... I will let that one rest.

The Irish and a Way with Words

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Rail:

Gentlemen,

I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by
people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
Iarnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!!!!!!!

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dreams

What exactly are dreams? There are many kinds of dreams.

• daydreams
• night dreams
• nightmares
• halluciations
  
• hopes
  
• aspirations
• wet dreams (though I doubt many people would admit to having these ones)
  

I've lived a live full of dreams and aspirations. My greatest dreams, however, are my biggest challenges. I oftentimes find myself wondering why on Earth I ever dreamed something in particular might be possible, especially during times when it seems utterly unattainable ... that it will NEVER happen.

I'm told the heavenly alignment at the end of next week speaks volumes about unattainable dreams finally becoming more attainable, that something may shift, something may change. I struggle to hold onto hope. I have wanted to throw in the towel hundreds of times over the years, but my faith keeps pulling me back up and renewing my hopes. Each time I begin to believe that something will never happen, that I am not worthy of something, that I am not good enough for or deserving of something, I receive a sign from above that tells me to hold on tight and not let go of hope. That what I need is coming to me.

I know this can be true ... so why do I feel that no one wants to take a risk with me. It feels as though I am just not good enough for anyone. So ... what is wrong with me? This dreamweaver feels as though she can't possibly weave one more dream...

I'm Back ...

Hello there! I am finally back after my move. What a day it was. It went very well, though. I am a highly-organized person so I had boxes marked appropriately and knew where I wanted things put before we even started.

We began at 9:30 a.m. on Friday morning. We had a lot of laughs, and I discovered I had some good friends and wonderful children. (I only got cranky once.) Both my children were there, and my daughter's boyfriend. One of my son's friends even showed up near the end and pitched in to help. I fed everyone lunch before we unpacked the truck. By 4 p.m., the truck was empty and my apartment looked like a bomb went off. I was so tired, I didn't know where to start and just wanted to cry.

However, by the next morning, I was well underway with the unpacking, while Aliant came to hook up my phone and my Internet (Or so we thought. It took until yesterday for them to find and fix the problem with that.). By noon, I had unpacked everything I needed for my short stay here and only had to hook up my computer.

The afternoon was spent at the old apartment cleaning it thoroughly. I'm sure they found it cleaner than when it was given to me. I tend to be a little fanatical about cleaning, simply because of my allergies/sensitivities. I clean things people seldom think about cleaning, like the top of the hot water tank, dusting the mouldings and trim in every room, cleaning off the dryer vent hose, etc. I had to learn to clean like that because I am allergic to dust, mould, and mildew. Not good for a NS climate.

Anyway ... by evening Saturday night I had to pick up a few groceries because the store was closed on Sunday. I also needed a plug for my tub, because there wasn't one and I needed to soak in a hot tub soooooo bad. My daughter and her boyfriend drove me there, which is only around the corner, because I could hardly walk. My legs were so tired and going numb. I am missing the last two discs in my back, so being on my feet for extended periods of time tires my legs out. I was a pitiful sight. I had to take acetaminophen to sleep Friday and Saturday nights because I was aching so bad.

Long story short—I was completely moved, unpacked, and cleaned out of the other apartment within 48 hours. It was a lot of hard work. I told my daughter that once I move into the house I bought in September, I am never moving again unless I have a partner in my life who will share the responsibilities. It is too much hard work for one person to do all the packing, cleaning, and unpacking. I'm still tired ... Can I take a nap now?

Moving

It is 10:15 p.m., and I am almost completely packed up to move tomorrow. It has been an exhausting day. At least I had a little help today to get it done. I start my move at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow, so my computer will be out of commission for a couple days. I will be back as soon as I can. This computer is my lifeline to the outside world. Heaven forbid I be without it for long.

Keep up the good work guys. You are keeping me amused over there in the dungeon. Hope to have some e-mails and blogs to read when I can get online again. See you soon!! Take care.

Screwing ... and stuff

Screwing

Boy, when I screw something, I do it well. I put things exactly where they should be. I put those firm things in straight and screwed the hell out of them until they were in as far as they could go. My arms are really tired from all the grabbing and twisting, my legs and back are tired from doing it standing up. Everything I have screwed since I moved into this condo was done very tight and well placed. So well in fact ... that the paint and gyproc paper has come off of most of the things I have removed. You see ... I am taking down those things I bought before I move. What a task!!! (teehee)

MouseGuy and Keyboard

It is so good to see you guys up to your antics again. I'm so pleased that you are having fun while you work. I love being amused by you two. Keyboard is doubleloading shredding paper into the recycling bin these days, I see. I guess he wants to make sure it will all fit in ... just right. You know, Keyboard, it will actually fit better if you flatten out each piece first and stack it neatly. Give that a try.

Summer Weather

Now today is my kind of summer day. The air has a bit of a cool breeze and the sun is shining. You can take that hot, ugly weather like we had on the weekend and send it away somewhere. I think that is why I prefer spring and fall. The weather is not so hot then. I wouldn't mind the heat quite so much if I lived on a lake and could go swimming to cool off. Not having that option, nor a pool, I think I still prefer fall best of all.

Blonde Moments

Well ... I guess I'm not the only one who has blonde moments.

It appears that Keyboard waters artificial flowers and MouseGuy locks his car with the windows down. And I have moments when they tell me "Duh"?

I think what they forgot to tell me was that actually dye their hair to cover the blonde roots!!! Thanks for making me feel right at home guys. Keep up the good work. You'll certainly give me something to write about. *rubs her hands together and smiles a devilish smile*

We Can All Make Progress .... Yay!!

This is a quote from cainer.com for all horoscopes for the week beginning Saturday, June 25.

Your week ahead

Prepare for some stunning sights in the sky. Each evening, just after sunset, you can see Saturn, Mercury and Venus, all close together for a while before they sink under the western horizon. This rare triple conjunction bodes brilliantly well for all with emotional issues to resolve, important conversations to hold or difficult decisions to make. Higher in the sky, Jupiter is also clearly visible. It is currently in opposition to Mars. Stay up long enough and you'll see it drift slowly west along the Arc of the zodiac till it too, sets in the west just before dawn. As it does so, Mars rises up in the East. Jupiter is the planet of hope and faith, justice and joy, exuberance and extravagance. Mars is the planet of anger and aggression but also of determination and direction, passion and priority. If you've got a mission now, you'll make great progress as long as you don't become too gung-ho.

Sounds like it could be an interesting week, n'est pas? Let's see what transpires.

The Price I Pay ...

Well, I came home sick from work again today. I escaped the whole winter without being sick and June hits me like a ton of bricks. My head feels like it will explode.

Well ... when I came home, I laid down to go to sleep, and it was not long before I was dreaming. Now you guys are gonna laugh your asses off at this dream. I can hear you now. For some unknown reason, I was applying for a job working with Keyboard and MouseGuy. MouseGuy was interviewing me. I was so sick it was hard to understand the questions, but he was very patient and kind to me and repeated them as I needed him to. I excused myself to blow my nose, and every time I did, cold water ran out of my right ear. That was friggin' weird. In my dream, I was frightened, afraid that my brain was turning to mush and pouring out of my head. I looked in the mirror to make sure my head was not caving in and to try to focus my eyes to see if I was losing my sight. Nope ... I could still see, I could still hear, my head was not shrinking, but perhaps I should see a doctor.

Needless to say, I woke up laughing at the ridiculousness of the dream, and at the same time recognizing that my ear was aching a bit from my sinuses. I assume the dream took place in the scenario it did because I checked your blogs before I went to bed to see if there was any new news on them. Sheesh ... isn't it strange how our daily lives and thoughts present themselves in a dream. This one was the price I paid for reading these blogs ...

Hope you got a good laugh guys. I'm sure I'll hear about it. (teehee)

Busy ...

This is turning out to be one busy week and it is only Tuesday. I'm sure you have heard, over the years, many of the sayings about being busy. Here are some of the ones I have heard and/or used.

• Busy as a bee.
• Busy as all get-out.
• Busy as a beaver.
• Busy as a hound in flea season.
• Busier than a one-armed paperhanger with crabs.
• Busier than a blind gay at a weeny roast.

Do you have any to add?

Life Span Explained

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 20-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 and I'll give back the other 40." And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you 20 years."

Man said, "What? Only 20 years! Tell you what, I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back and the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back ... that makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Father's Day

Well ... it is Father's Day again. I don't have any father figures in my life to celebrate it with, but I do hope that all you fathers out there have a very special day.

MouseGuy and Keyboard, I hope your day is very special. Have a good one!!!

Welcome Back!!

Welcome back, MouseGuy! We have missed you. I see you read my blog yesterday. This is good. I can't wait to see the antics you guys get into again. Sometimes I wish I were a fly on the wall. I'll look forward to hearing all about them.

Keyboard, guess you will have to share that website info about the bananas with MouseGuy. Perhaps you can actually convert him. Good luck!!

I'm glad the two of you are back together in the dungeon. Have fun while you work. It's the only way to go!!!!!

Let the Wars Begin ... Again!!!

Well, well, well ... I understand that Keyboard and MouseGuy will be a tag team again. Wahoo!!! That is just as MouseGuy had said he wanted to happen in his last blog entry, nearly a year ago. It took some time, MouseGuy, but as with all good things, they DO come to pass. Congratulations! You deserve to have the job.

Now ... of course ... I am expecting these blog wars to begin again. I can't wait. You guys are too funny. You keep me entertained, and I love to laugh. So please, MouseGuy, pick up that mouse, remember that password, and let the wars begin again. I look forward to it!!!!!!

Nova Scotia Has Two Seasons ...

We have only two seasons in Nova Scotia. One is winter, the other is construction. Keyboard is a little frustrated with the "pot humps" that have been created in Burnside. In front of my building, the drain in the middle of the parking lot got a broken cover over the winter. I came home the other day to find a 4 x 4 placed in it with an orange flag attached and the cover in two pieces down inside of it. I looked down and saw a hole about 4 feet deep. Better that pot hump, Keyboard, than hitting a hole like this.

There is construction going on in Halifax at the major bus stop that I usually disembark at in the mornings. As a result, my bus stops a little closer to my building. That is a good thing on nice days. I just continue to walk outside until I reach my building. Today, however, it was raining, so I chose to walk half that distance into a building, and then walk further to get into mine. Just an annoyance.

Everywhere we look for the next 5 months, there will be road construction going on somewhere tying up traffic. If we want to see how impatient people are, take a look at the people in line waiting to get through. As a pedestrian, I can see these people and their frustration. With windows rolled down in warm weather, I can hear the profanity escaping from them too. We certainly are a society driven by the almighty clock. I do feel bad for people trying to keep appointments and public transit trying to stay on schedule. Often people can miss their appointments altogether if they are late. I also think it is unfair the abuse that the transit drivers take from some passengers. It is as though they expect them to push a button and fly over top of traffic to reach that particular person on time. Imagine that—a flying bus. How ridiculous of people to expect them to be able to stay on time in storms, through accidents, and in construction zones. We have no control over that, people!!! Shit happens!!

We all need to practice a little patience and tolerance through construction zones. If we know it exists, perhaps we can plan a different route to get where we are going. Otherwise, pick up your damn cell phone and call ahead to tell someone you are caught in traffic and enjoy the scenery while you wait. Just remember to use the bathroom before you leave, in case you get caught in something like this.

These people are only doing their jobs. We complain about the holes in the road and want them fixed, then complain that the workers are in our way when they do what we have asked them to do. Make up your mind about what you want!!! Learn to relax a little! It's really not life and death in 99.9% of the cases. Just watch out for the ambulance that does indicate life or death.

Summer

Summer is almost here, and I am already wishing it away. I'm having a really hard time trying to be patient with my life. It seems my life is either feast for a whirlwind time or famine for long stretches. Both of them are hard to take.

I'm just coming out of one of those whirlwind times right now. It is like having a strong headwind in your sails that makes you struggle to keep the boat upright when suddenly the wind dies down and you find yourself exhausted and sitting still wondering if anything will go forward again. These sudden ups and downs are hard to take. Extreme peaks and valleys are hard on the emotions.

I need to remember that I am not at the helm of this ship. It will sail according to the winds that are delivered to it. It is hard just to be a passenger and wait to reach that destiny according to someone else's time. Particularly if you are like me—someone who is a "take action" person. When I want something I want to know what to do to get it. When something needs doing, I want to do it and get it done. It is hard for someone like me to sit idly by and wait for something I have little to no control over. Lord, help me learn patience, but hurry.

More about the Move

Well ... this has been probably the most challenging week I have ever had to face in my life. Within 18 hours of buying my house, my second back-up plan for a temporary move fell through.

When I knew I was going to buy a house, I had made tentative arrangements with two people, in case I didn't find a place to buy and move into before my end date in my current place. The first one was an offer from someone who was looking at buying a condo in my building and would rent it out for the first year or so. He offered to rent to me on a month-to-month basis until I found a house. In the end he didn't get the property, so that plan fell by the wayside.

The next back-up plan was to stay with my cousin until Sept. when I could move into my house. We had the arrangements all made when, after 1 year on the market, his house sold. He was insisting that it wouldn't and that he was taking it off the market the end of June. I asked What if it does sell? Again he was convinced it wouldn't and on the off-chance that it did, he would set the closing date to the end of Sept. Well ... he got an offer too good to refuse and couldn't negotiate that date. Back to the drawing board.

The next 36 hours were intense. I called a number of apt. buildings in the area. I left messages with a couple of them and others said they don't rent short-term or on a month-to-month basis. So ... I made plans to put my stuff in storage, stay with my cousin for the first six weeks and then with my sister or another friend for the next six weeks. That would have meant 3 moves.

The following evening I got a call back from one of the apt. buildings in the area who will do month-to-month for military and would give me that option because of my predicament. God bless them. So I found a place to stay temporarily. It is not what I would have chosen for long-term accommodations, but it will work. I can put everything in there and leave it in boxes for the time being. I'm keeping the attitude that this is just temporary, and the good will come in Sept. when I can have my own home. Yeah!!

Now I have to move Canada Day, a holiday. Not sure if that will work in my favour or against it. I suppose it depends on the plans people have whether or not I can find enough people to help.

My life always seems to be full of challenges, but I always seem to jump the hurdles some way. Here I go again on my own ...

Note to Keyboard ... I have one of those new fangled camera phones, and I have a song attached to the ring. Remind me never to leave it unattended around you. It is actually a classical song it plays ... elevator music no less. (haha)

Moving ... at Last

Well, the time has come upon me that I need to move. I have the packing underway and some of the arrangements have been made. Unfortunately, I will have to move twice in the next few months. You see ... I was not able to find a house to buy and move into within the time frame I had to work in. It was a very frustrating ordeal, to say the least. I shed many tears and asked God why he was putting me through this. Needless to say, He didn't offer a verbal explanation. It is something I will find out in hindsight.

The good news is that I have found a house to buy. The inspection was done today. Just a couple things I have to put money into before I move. My mortgage for that property was approved today. I will be moving into Keyboard's and MouseGuy's neighbourhood. Won't that be fun. I'll have to walk up to Keyboard's house and have that security camera follow me up the driveway. I'll be sure to stick my tongue out at him! Wish me luck with everything. If all goes well, I move again the end of Sept. into my very own home. Wahoo!!!!

More Old Sayings

Three sheets to the wind — Very drunk, highly intoxicated. [Is this anything like sticking someone's head under the sheets when you break wind? So gross...]

For the love of Pete — I am frustrated with this situation. [Someone trying to win Peter's heart.]

Knock on wood — If good luck is willing. [Is this similar to shagging on the floor.]

Straight and narrow — To stay out of trouble. [Not something you should say to him.]

Tie the knot — To get married. [In some cases, that knot is strangling. That is not good.]

Down to the short strokes — Approaching the end of a long process. [uh huh!]

Get a leg up — To get a boost or advantage. [That's an interesting position. Where are you putting it?]

Hat trick — The accomplishment of three successes or wins. [Something performed on Hollis Street while wearing a hat?]

On the ball — To be paying attention, to respond promptly, to be doing one's job. [Careful you don't get hurt. That could pinch.]

Close but no cigar — Nearly achieving success, but not quite. [Something Monica Lewinsky said to the president.]

Drop a dime — Make a phone call. [In the time of pay toilets, this would not be good.]

Keep your pants on — Calm down, be patient. [Something you say to someone you are not interested in.]

Pot to piss in — To have money or wealth. [Is this similar to "piss or get off the pot"?]

Sleep tight — Sleep well. [An uncomfortable way to sleep. Something has been left undone.]

Bust your balls — To harass with the intent to break one's spirit. [That's gotta hurt!!]

Sucking hind tit — Not getting a fair share. [Last time I looked, there are none behind, they are on the front.]

Tit for tat — To reciprocate in kind. [I've never heard it referred to as "tat" before.]

Cut the mustard — To meet expectations. [Is this the same as cut the cheese?]

All wet — To be incorrect, to be wrong. [Ummm ... yes]

By the short hairs — To have control over someone, an indisputable advantage. [Not a good position to be in. That hurts like hell.]

Going South — On a path to failure, failing. [A good place to go.]

Today's Pet Peeves

Peeve # 1 - going from winter directly into summer.
I don't like the heat. I never could understand anyone wanting to go to a hot place in the middle of summer. The acclimatizing must be brutal. I'm a spring and fall person myself. The heat is one of the few things that can make me cranky, and be hard to control it.

Peeve # 2 - security packaging.
I bought a memory stick for everyone in the office. Today I needed to use mine for the first time. They, of course, were packaged in that thick clear package, the kind that is molded to fit the item it is displaying for sale. Who ever thought of those things anyway? They forgot to supply a way into the damn things. I tried to pull the two pieces of plastic apart. No go. I took my scissors and proceeded to try to cut the top off of it. It is curved around an edge so it was hard to cut. I got about 1/3 of the way across, and the scissors just would not cut it anymore. I then proceeded to try to rip it apart the rest of the way, and decided very quickly that this would be a good way to seriously cut myself. I was getting rather frustrated by this point. I thought I would cut in the spot that is cut out for hanging it up for display. Not go, that was molded shut. Ah ha ... I remembered my boxcutter sitting in my drawer. I took it out and cut across the centre of it. It cut clean through the plastic and scored the cardboard inside, but it wouldn't cut the damn edges. Still no way in. I ended up cutting and cutting that sucker until I could finally reach the memory stick and pulled on it. It fit so well and so tight, it flew out of my hand onto the floor. Damn packaging!!!! They forgot to supply the zipper!!!!

Peeve # 3 - incomplete ingredient lists on groceries.
I was trying to buy a package of turkey sausages at the grocery store. I had bought some previously, and they were clearly marked "No MSG." You see ... I can't digest pork or beef well so I choose poultry or fish products. I also have an extreme intolerance to MSG. Ingredients that say "spices" may or may not contain MSG. It is only when it is clearly marked "No MSG" or labelled "natural spices" that I can be certain that it is safe to eat. Of course, the butcher didn't know the answer to that. Someone told me recently that the government is putting together legislation to ban the sale and import of MSG in Canada. I can't wait for that!!

Peeve # 4 - children who throw their dirty clothes on the floor when their laundry basket is only 1 foot away.
This one is self-explanatory, even when they are 19. Not in the basket, don't get done!! Do them yourself.

I'm really tired tonight, so I hope there is nothing else that peeves me off. I'm at that degree of tiredness and minding the heat, that I could get cranky. I don't want to be cranky, and if I direct it at you, please don't take it personally. I really don't mean to attack you. I really should go to bed. I think I will tuck in early. I have a lot to do this weekend. I hope your weekend goes well.

Old Sayings and Their Meanings

The following are some old sayings and what they mean. My interpretation of them is highlighted in red.


Balls to the wall — To push to the limit, go all out, full speed. (Is this sexual in nature?)

Flying by the seat of your pants — To do something without planning, to change course midstream, to figure things out as you go. (I've seen this happen when running to the washroom with diahhrea.)

Wing and a prayer — Hopeful but unlikely to succeed. (I think this is an angel thing.)

Dead ringer — To look like someone else. (A broken washing machine.)

Put my two cents in — To state one's opinion. (If you tell someone you will give them a penny for their thoughts and then you put your two cents in, do you get change back?)

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey — Very cold. (So much for the continuation of that species!!)

Half cocked — To be less than fully prepared. (Not quite ready for that big moment, if you get my drift.)

Loaded for bear — To be aggressively seeking a confrontation. (Now he is ready!!)

Bang for the buck — Value for you money. (I think this is self-explanatory.)

Called on the carpet — To be held accountable for a mistake, offense, or a lie. (Is this sort of like shagging on the rug?)

Hunky dory — To be okay, everything is good. (I believe this refers to a sexy man in a boat.)

From stem to stern — Thorough, complete. (Yep, that's a complete once over, twice over, repeat as necessary.)

Stay tuned for the next episode...

So ... You Think You Know Everything?

... Bet you don't know all of these things:

• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge (You may count them if you'd like)
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the American $5 bill.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
• February1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.
• If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
• If you are an average Canadian, in your whole life you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• On a Canadian two dollar bill (if you can still find one) the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• The words "racecar," "kayak," and "level" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

... NOW you know everything!

Damn Those Martians!!!!!!!

Outlook for this week:

There's a bad case of the grizzles going round at the moment. As fast as one group get over it, another set show symptoms. Once, doctors thought physical illnesses were also passed along by the planets. Hence the word "flu"; short for "Influenza" or "under a bad influence." Though we now understand about viruses, we are still more prone to succumb to a bug when our defences are down—and the planets can still tell us when this is likely to happen. If you currently feel your strength is being sapped, it's probably the sharp angle from Mars to Pluto that's to blame. Get up early on Tuesday morning and you can catch one of these cosmic culprits in the act. Mars will be bright in the pre-dawn sky, surprisingly near the Moon. When you see it, remember THIS is what's causing so many people to feel stretched. Then, apply the astrological antidote. Remind yourself that, by the end of the week, we'll all be feeling better!

~ Jonathan Cainer at www.cainer.com

And they say men are from Mars and women from Venus ... so do we blame this on men too? Personally, I don't think that men are the cause of women's problems. They are the cause of their own problems, just as men are the cause of their own. We just need to understand and accept that and stop trying to place blame in the wrong direction. The world could be a gentler place if we could.

Are You Giving 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,
then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.