The Meaning of Life

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure ... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. — Theodore Roosevelt

I have done much searching for the meaning of my life. I want to know why I am here, what is my purpose, what does the future hold. I've discovered that much of that is not meant to be known. We only have today to live in. The past cannot be changed, and the future has yet to happen.

What I have found is this: My past has shaped who I am. I made good choices and bad choices over the years, but I am who I am because of them. I made a decision to change my life to rid it of extreme stress. That decision left me with some financial restraints that are difficult to deal with by times, but in reality it is only money. That is not the most important thing in life. I have the necessities of life, but may not have those little things that I would like to have that would make life a little easier. But I WILL have them eventually. It is hard to wait, but I know it will come in time.

This life change left me with a different type of lifestyle that was certainly an adjustment for us all, but that, too, works itself out, and did much quicker than I expected it would. There are aspects of the type of life I left behind that I miss, sometimes very much so, but I still have never looked back or regretted my decision. It is those missing aspects that bring me down by times too. I must remain positive that this, too, will come in time. I met someone yesterday who struggles with this kind of change too, so it was comforting to know that I am not the only one who faces these demons.

How very impatient I am. That is not good. I am working very hard to regain a positive outlook. To regain my belief that I KNOW these things will come in time, and they will be good. Probably better than I can even imagine and perhaps differently than I imagine them as well. So ... if you notice me being impatient, gently remind me to relax. It will come. Stay positive, Dreamweaver, your dreams will come in time, and they will be good. Yes, they will be good.

Courage

Courage — n. the strength of mind to control fear and act firmly in the face of danger or difficulties.

This seems like such a simple word, but it is the most difficult thing I know to muster. Many times in my life I have needed to find the courage to do something that I felt I just could not do. I often, still, find myself in this position, as probably most everyone does. We all have fears we have to face. There is no question that it is harder for some to do this than it is for others. Some people seem to be very strong or unafraid of most everything and just plunge right in, some times never giving it any thought at all. Others, like me, often take a great deal of time of gather the courage to do something, even when you know it is what must be done. It just seems so hard to do. How often I have thought "Surely someone else will do the hard work so I don't have to. Someone else can take that step and make it easier for me." Truth of the matter is, if it is something I want or need to do, then it is me who must find the courage. Stepping outside the box is not easy.

Do you suppose if I follow the yellow brick road that the Wizard of Oz will grant me courage? Follow the yellow brick road ... follow the yellow brick road ... I'm off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz ...

Perhaps somewhere over the rainbow ...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Do you remember that song by Tina Turner? That song says an awful lot really, especially if you know the story behind her life.

Respect is something we all deserve to have and need to give to ourselves and others. Tina lived a dominated life under her ex-husband's hands. He bullied her and beat her into a submissive lifestyle. He had no respect for her and she deserved to have it. Eventually she had no self-respect either by allowing herself to be treated that way. I was so happy for her when she finally found the courage to break free of that lifestyle.

Can you imagine how children must feel in school when someone bullies them? We see so much teen suicide because they don't know how to deal with such things or nobody teaches them self-respect. If they live a daily life at home witnessing one parent dominating the other to any degree how do they learn to give respect and expect to receive it as well? Some of them grow up to be bullies, others to allow themselves to be bullied. I grew up in such a household. I know that no families are perfect, but I can see the damage that each of us children have taken with us as a result, and it is not pretty. We watched one parent being dominated by the other and it being accepted over and over again. Now I can see myself and my siblings allowing others to treat us badly or take advantage of us, and we accept that far too easily, sometimes not even realizing that it is happening because it feels all too familiar. I have one sibling who can be that bully, too. It's a sad state of affairs. I think my eyes are open to that far more than those of my siblings, but I still fall victim to that easily because of my giving nature. I find that some people tend to take what they want and need from me without returning much, if anything, and leaving me feel empty and used. My life has been so full of such experiences that it leaves me, by times, wondering how much self-respect I have to allow it to happen again and again.

So please, remove the blinders. Give others the respect they deserve, but just as importantly, have enough self-respect not to allow yourself to be dominated or used by others. Don't become a bully and don't accept disrespect in your life. You are worth it.

I Walk Alone

I learned to walk when I was but a babe.
You took my hands and lead me along.
But soon I walked alone.

Adolescence is a time of change.
Confusion and excitement always in exchange.
I need your hand, but it is not there.
So I must walk alone.

I'm told, "I love you like no one else ever will."
I hear "No one else will ever love you."
I believe it. I hurt. Through ups and downs
I reach for your hand, but it is not there.
I walk this road alone.

Life must change.
Free from bondage at last.
But a piece is still missing.
And I continue to walk alone.

My dreams are not to be.
I know no reason why.
Perhaps I am unworthy.
It seems I am destined to walk alone.

Butterflies Are Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

How often I have heard this saying. I think of it like this: If you hold a butterfly on the palm of your hand, it is free to fly about and live its life. Feeling safe, unthreatened, and loved it will return to your hand. But if you hold it tightly in a closed hand, it will try everything and every opportunity it can to get away or else it will suffocate and die.

I believe this to be true. I have seen butterflies that are held tightly, and they certainly do make their opportunities to get away or they do suffocate and die under such restrictions. Sometimes I think that some of these butterflies live for the exhilaration of being able to get away and then come back to suffer again and continue this cycle. What an unhealthy choice.

Metamorphosis exists for a reason. Those caterpillars creep slowly along foraging on leaves until their time comes to make a complete change. Then they wrap themselves tightly and safely for a short time until they are ready to emerge to a new and different life. If we free them from the cocoon, they will die. They need to endure the struggle to become strong enough to fly away.

How similar our lives can be to those butterflies. I believe that each of us undergoes a metamorphosis of one sort or another at some point in our lives. It is the struggle in-between from one state to another that makes the new you better than the one before.

Say What?

22 reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm used to be used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) He was about to read the red book, but discovered he had already read it.

Face It

Sort it out. Stop trying to sweep it under the carpet. It won't disappear if you ignore it. And if you decide to run from it, it will follow you. So that leaves only one option. Face it, fair and square.— Jonathan Cainer

Another moment of truth from the astrologer. It is so true. We often try to sweep things under the carpet that we don't want to deal with. Bury our head in the sand. But it doesn't go away like that. It hangs over our head like a black cloud threatening to rain down on us at any moment. The only solution is to face it, deal with, and get on with living our lives. In some cases it may be the most difficult thing we have ever had to do, but it is also important if we are to have the quality of life we want and deserve.

Friday the 13th

Friday 13th? Why don't we worry about Thursday 12th, or Saturday 14th? Surely, we should be equally concerned about Wednesday 11th or Sunday 15th. If Friday 13th means anything at all, it must be like a rotten apple poisoning the entire month on which it falls. And if there's a month with Friday 13th in it, surely, that turns the whole year bad. And a bad year must play its part in creating a bad decade. And unlucky decade probably taints the entire century. So we are all doomed. You see how easy it is to paint a gloomy picture? — Jonathan Cainer

I don't believe in superstitions. But Cainer is right. The mind is so powerful that if we believe something like this to be true, we can make it true. Any day that starts out bad, we believe "What a day this is going to be!" Lo and behold, we make it so. If we look at that first bad thing and say "It can only get better." it will.

Each month has a 13th in it. Regardless of which day it falls on, it is not a bad omen. So enjoy your day to the fullest.

Onion Skin

This is quoted from my favourite astrological site for Leo for today, but is so full of truth:

Our fears and anxieties are like layers of onion skin. We peel away one and, no matter how much it may make us cry, we find another beneath. We think, 'I am worried about this because of that.' Even when we sort the matter out, we realise that there is another cause for concern buried more deeply. Eventually, we find the one disturbing childhood memory around which all other phobias have developed.

So many of my friends all tell me the same thing: when they realize they have an issue in their life, it usually stems back to something from their childhood and it took a lot of digging to uncover that truth. I found this in my own life too. Peeling away those layers is a very difficult thing to do. I did shed a great many tears, only to find the next layer made me cry too. I don't know if anyone ever gets to the very inside before they die, but it is progress at least to peel away those unwanted layers.

The forecast goes on to say this:

Pluto is now giving you a precious insight into your past. This will yet become the reason why your future starts to look so much more inviting and inspiring.

When those outer layers are gone, there is no doubt that the future does start to look more inviting and inspiring. So start peeling away those layers and expose the you that you really are and can be. It is well worth the work. Believe me.

Cellular Phone Service

My pet peeve today is cellular phone service providers. Well ... one in particular.

Last September my son wanted a cellular phone for his birthday. I thought it would be a good idea so I could find him when I needed him, since he is not very good at letting me know where he is. So I looked into it and the only deal in town at the time was with a service provider that I did not like. I had been with them many years ago when cell phones first came out and had some bad experiences. My son convinced me that his friends had service with them and had no problems. I was extremely hesitant, but gave them the benefit of a doubt thinking that the years in the busines and the competition out there may have improved their service. Well ... I should have followed my gut instinct, as usual.

There have been problems from day one. First of all, there was a rebate for purchasing the phone that was not a cash rebate, but a credit on the billing. Strike one. The first month, the rebate did not show up. Call company X. Second month, only part of the rebate showed up. Call company X again only to find that half of it comes out one month, the other half the next month. Good grief, why and why didn't they tell me these things the first time I called? Then there were several other issues: free services that were not properly rebated, screw-ups in billing in other ways, etc. It seems like I am calling them constantly.

The latest problem, you are going to love. The service he had was free calling from 8-8 and free weekends with 200 free daytime minutes. Free from 8-8 is really weird timing, especially when other companies provide 6-6. Between 6-8 p.m., most people are making plans for their evening and would need their phones. That is really stupid. So, we called to "upgrade" the service to get coverage from 6-6 instead. To do this we would lose 50 daytime minutes. OK. I can live with that. But then, the upgrade couldn't take place until the next billing date because they have no idea how to prorate costs. Dah!! The service was switched over yesterday after waiting almost an entire month. Call company X this morning YET AGAIN. Now the caller ID is gone altogether. This is the story I got:

I "upgraded" to this new plan that cost me about $8 more a month to get free service at the same periods that others offer it at a lower cost, I lose 50 daytime minutes, and now there is also no caller ID? Where the hell is the upgrade there? That's a step backwards. I told them so too. I also asked when my 2-year plan was up and marked it on my calendar. I told them in no uncertain terms that I couldn't wait for my term to be up with them so I could switch providers. If there was no penalty now, I would have done it today.

What a Mickey Mouse company. You would think that with what the competition is offering out there they would be more in tune with what everyone else is offering. I think they have some real billing issues too. If you don't have a cellular phone now or are thinking of switching providers, ask me which one not to use. I have no problems telling you to say clear of Company X!!!!!!!!

What Are They Thinking?

Sometimes I really wonder what politicians are thinking. I had a trip to my chiropractor today to work out my kinks. I was telling him how frustrated I am by the lack of coverage I have for preventative medicine. If I get really sick and need medicine (a bandaid solution in a lot of cases) or surgery, the government and my medical plan are only too happy to oblige. If I choose to go natural/preventative medicine paths to prevent illness and crippling pain, I am penalized for it by lack of coverage. That makes no sense. Then he told me what the Ontario government is about to do. I was appalled.

This fall, the Ontario government is going to cancel all of its coverage for chiropractic care. It believes it will save $95 million dollars because that is what they spend on this type of care. What the medical society is estimating, is that this cost savings will actually cost them in excess of $220 million dollars in increased trips to physicians for pain care and hospitalization because they cannot afford the preventative care. Following this, they are cancelling physiotherapy in the spring and then coverage for eyeglasses. They are expecting health care plans to extend their coverage to these things.

Well ... what about those plans that fall really short of covering them, like mine does? What about those people who do not have private health care coverage and can't afford it? The governments are producing an over-stressed, over-worked, underpaid, society that has to walk around blind and hunched over in pain with considerable time off work required to treat their pain. What in the name of hell are they thinking???? This sounds like a HUGE step backwards to me, not progress in any sense of the word. I am so frustrated with the way our politicians are thinking. They put money in places they don't need it and none in places they do. Lord help us all. I'm glad I don't live in their houses.

Reaping and Sowing

There is a wonderful, mystical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life—happiness, freedom, and peace of mind—are always attained by giving them to someone else. — Anonymous

What a wonderful quote. I have often heard it said that we receive what we give, just like reaping what you sow. It is so true. I've seen it over and over again. Sometimes it takes longer to receive than we would like, but it does come back to us eventually. If what you have sown is not favourable, time would be something you wouldn't want to speed up, but it will still come back to haunt you.

Sometimes things happens for no good reason. But we can rest assured that in the end, something good will come of it. It always does. Be careful to sow good seeds to give happiness, freedom, and peace of mind to someone, and they will come back to you just as abundantly. It's the law of nature.

Comfort Zone

We all have a comfort zone. That familiar place that we are often afraid to step out of. Stepping out of it means taking a risk, doing something that you would not normally do. It is hard to break out of it, but sometimes it is also healthy to do so.

Many abused women stay in abusive relationships because they are afraid to take a step out of what feels familiar to them. They know it is unhealthy, but they are not sure they can survive or look after themselves "on the outside" of that box. Sometimes people are afraid to have fun because they have deprived themselves of it for so long.

Change cannot take place if fear keeps you inside the box. Wonderful opportunities can be lost by those who dare not venture out. Here are some tips on how to break out of your comfort zone:

• Be self-caring - Do things that bring you happiness and a sense of satisfaction.
• Enjoy the small things - Take the time to stop and smell the roses or the coffee.
• Be your best - No, you may not finish first, but be proud that you have done your best.
  
• Commit to yourself - Take yourself and your goals seriously.
• Do the right thing - Do what you would really love to do.
• Be audacious - Think big. Go for the gold. Sometimes it is the journey that is more enlightening than the destination. The end result may be different from what you expect, usually even better.

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten. So go for it ... step out of that box and do something different. The results may surprise you. The transition may be easier than you think. Reality is usually less frightening than what your imagination leads it to believe.

Words

I have heard people say before "they are just words." To that I say hogwash. Words are very powerful. They are not just words. They all mean something or they would not have been spoken. Remember it is written, "In the beginning was the Word..." Words can do this:

• They can build someone up or tear them down.
  
• They can heal or hurt.
  
• They can make you laugh or cry.
  
• They can make promises that are true or those not intended to be kept.
• They can pledge oaths and truths or they can cheat or tell lies.
  
• They can be loving or hateful.
  

It is always important to think before you speak. I know that we all speak too quickly from time to time, but we need to realize that we may have hurt someone or given them false hope with our words. In that case, more words are needed to make amends. Choose them carefully.

So the next time you have something important to say, remember this question. Is it

T - thoughtful
H - honest
I - intelligent
N - necessary
K - kind

If not, take time to phrase it carefully before you speak. People are worth the time.

PS

Dr. Phil's show today was about true love. He said one thing that I was very glad to hear. He said if a man truly loves a woman, nothing will stop him from being with her. He will climb every mountain he has to in order to get to her. That is good news. Something to watch for. Thanks for the heads up, Dr. Phil. Nice to know that.

Two Incomes

I am really beginning to hate the term "two incomes." I can't make ends meet very well on my income, supporting a very hungry, growing teenage boy (well ... a young man) and my special health requirements. When I mention it to my friends, they say "You need two incomes." Some go so far as to suggest I get a boarder to help out or to buy a rental property. Well ... I'm not going to share my bed with a stranger. I don't have a spare room. I can't handle the upkeep of two places on my own either.

When I called the bank to see how I could handle my little bit of debt, which feels much larger for me, I'm told "You need a second income." I can't work two full-time jobs!!

When I called the bank to see if I could somehow manage to get a car considering my loan, they say "You need two incomes." I still can't make it magically happen!!

When I called the bank to see if I could get a no-downpayment mortgage, they say "Sure you qualify, you can get a mortgage, but it's not enough to buy a house. You need two incomes."

I meet up with friends or acquaintances I haven't seen in awhile and they ask, "Are you seeing anyone yet?"

I guess it is an expectation from the whole world that I am not supposed to be alone or can't afford to be. It is not how I want to live forever, but it's the best I can do for now. I can't magically make someone appear who will want to share my life or I would have done that a long time ago. I'm not going to pick someone up off the street and say "Hey, come live me with so I can afford the necessities of life." That would just be disgusting. I am doing the best I can under the circumstances.

Please people ... stop telling me I need two incomes. I know that, but there's no light at the end of that tunnel, and very little I can do to magically make it happen. It will happen when the time is right. Not when I would magically like it to. Waiting is the hard part. When true love happens, trust me, you will all know about it. And two incomes or not, I will not settle for less then true, unconditional love.

Today Is the Beginning ...

It has been an interesting day today. We are preparing to pack our office for a move tomorrow. Early this morning, the office interior guys showed up to remove our keyboard trays and reinstall them at the new location. I couldn't help but laugh at something that happened. The two guys who were doing it were asking me for directions to the various cubicles because they were numbered. I noticed that one of the guys seemed to be looking at me a lot. I didn't realize just how much until he made a comment shortly before he left about how I was making him hungry because I was eating a rice cake. The funny part was he even knew what I had been eating previous to this so he obviously was watching me more than I realized. I couldn't do anything but laugh once he left. That has never happened to me before. It was rather flattering.

We finally packed up all we could, but the move got behind schedule, so no packers showed up until very late afternoon, and the computers and phones won't now get moved until sometime tomorrow. Nothing will arrive in the new location until after working hours. As a result, the Director came to me and told me to start my vacation a day early. She said she didn't know anyone who deserved an extra day vacation more than I did. That was very nice of her.

So ... wahoo!!! Today is the beginning of my vacation, and the beginning of a new office location that is bright and sunny. I won't want to move back to the dark, dreary dungeon next spring. I can't wait to sleep past my alarm time tomorrow morning. I hate getting up in the dark or just at day break. That is inhumane. I'd rather get up around 7 a.m. Times before that are meant for sleeping.

Let the vacation begin. I can do whatever my little heart pleases and as much of it as my little heart desires. Yay!!!!!

How Embarrassing?

I had an embarrassing moment today. My son called me at work to give me advance notice that he had a couple friends at home and they were "chillin' and having a couple beer." (Well, his couple and mine are a little different.) No big deal. At least I knew where he was and what he was doing.

However, the embarrassing moment came when I walked through the door and realized I still had a rack of clothing sitting in the livingroom that I had put there to dry last night. Among these articles of clothing were my "unmentionables." At that point, all I could do was laugh. I said to my son, "You could have put my underwear in my room." He laughed and said, "Sorry." Guess there are no secrets I can keep from his friends now. Sheesh!!!! How embarr-ass-ing!!!!!!

Politically Correct?

Part of my job is to ensure that things are written in a politically correct way so that people are not offended. I have no problem with doing that because I respect other people's feeling. Some are very sensitive about these issues. For instance, I make these types of corrections:

• fishers, not fishermen
• firefighters, not firemen
• police officers, not policemen
• paper carrier, not paper boy
• chair person, not chairman
• postal carrier, not postman
  
• milk deliverer, not milkman
• sales representative, not salesman
• human kind, not mankind
  

I, personally, don't take offense to the original terms. No matter how you slice it, woman is still a derivative of man. I know that I am a woman, and proud of it. These terms don't change that. There is one term, however, I will refuse to change. That one is God.

• He is God, not Goddess
• He is the Father, not the mother
• He is the Son, not the daughter
• He is the Holy Spirit, not the holy angel
• He is "the Great I Am"

Gender not necessary. He is who He is, and I respect that too.

The Power of Love

I firmly believe that all things happen for a reason and in perfect timing. Sometimes that timing is hard to accept because it means waiting for what seems like an eternity. In the past few weeks, I have been struggling through a low point in my life. A friend had loaned me a book with one purpose in mind, but it has proved to serve another, in perfect timing. It has helped me begin to bring myself out of this low point. The book is entitled The Ten Secrets of Abundant Health: Simple Lessons for Getting and Staying Healthy and Strong.

Now I have been working on my health—emotional, physical, and spiritual—for the past number of years. This book has helped to piece it together, and I now know the missing key element for me. The 10 secrets are as follows:

1. The power of the mind
2. The power of breath
3. The power of exercise
4. The power of nutrition
5. The power of laughter
6. The power of rest
7. The power of posture
8. The power of the environment
9. The power of faith
10. The power of love

I have been working on all of these key in one way or another over the past few years, knowing that each one was important to health and happiness. Sometimes I forget some of these powers or work some and not others, but there is one that is most vital to me. One that I have always felt a lack of and require for my own health, as I am sure we all do. That one is #10 — the power of love. For so much of my life I have felt unloved. Perhaps I have chosen people who were incapable of loving me as I needed to be loved. I have learned how to give deep, unconditional love, but I realize how much I need to receive it too. How much receiving it can make such a great impact on how I feel about myself and life in general.

Here is a quote that says it all. It is from the book Sermon on the Mount by Emmett Fox. It goes like this:

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer; no disease that enough love will not heal; no door that enough love will not open; no gulf that enough love will not bridge; no wall that enough love will not throw down; no sin that enough love will not redeem ... It makes no difference how deep seated may be the trouble; how hopeless the outlook ... a sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world ...

Those words are so true. I truly believe that love conquers all. To live without it in abundance, life loses purpose and meaning and ultimately we become depressed. (Ain't that the truth.) I've read that to love someone deeply gives you strength and to be loved deeply gives you courage. So true, so true.

In closing I say this: Bring on the unconditional love I have been searching for my whole life. I am ready. I am so ready. Then all can be nothing but right in my world. A positive outlook will prevail.

Life

A man may perform astonishing feats and comprehend a vast amount of knowledge, and yet have no understanding of himself. But suffering directs a man to look within. If it succeeds, then there, within him, is the beginning of his learning. — Soren Kierkegaard

Some lives, like evening primroses, blossom most beautifully in the evening of life. — Charles E. Cowman


Life really is like a box of chocolates, just like it says in the movie. You never know what you are going to get.

I have done the suffering and discovery as Kierkegaard says. It is a really hard way to learn who you are, but I suppose it may otherwise never happen. And I sincerely hope that Cowman is right about blossoming in the evening of life. Being in-between the discovery and enjoying the blossoms is a very, very difficult place to be. It requires patience that I often lack. It is a hard place to be when you have let go of everything you don't want, but stand with your hands empty waiting for them to be filled. I never imagined it could be so hard.

In the Past 24 Hours ...

... I have learned that

• I definitely hate the heat unless I live by a lake or have a pool where I can jump in and cool off
• I absolutely hate apartments in the midst of the heat
• you can sweat in places I never thought possible
  
• you sometimes hear one thing said and can hear the unspoken thing as well, even if you don't want to hear it
• there is no comparison between a 4-wheeler and a horse
• walking to the bank with flesh showing can attract attention
• I eat a lot more soy some days than I realize
• spiders seem to like my bedroom
  
• green bins can smell REALLY bad when you forget to dump them for a couple days in extreme heat (Whoa baby!!!)
• vacuuming carpets in humid weather is VERY hard work (one more reason not to have any)
• some things in life suck, especially when you can't do much about them
• imitation cream cheese can be made from tofu and still taste good (Honest!)
• it's hard not to gag when you have a hair in your mouth
  
• when the phone rings in the early morning hours and wakes you from a deep sleep, it scares the living sh** out of you

And did I mention, I HATE THE HEAT!!!!!!!!

Four-Wheelers vs. Horses

My son made me laugh at lunchtime. It was great. He had just come back from an expedition with his father, in which he went to look at four-wheelers. He tells me he can't believe his father and his "step-mother-to-be" (he hates that term) are getting a horse in the spring and taking riding lessons now. My son believes this is crazy. He wants to know who the heck wants a horse when they can have a four-wheeler. These were his reasons:

• A horse costs $10G. You can get a 4-wheeler (and a nice one) for about $7G.
• It costs $250-300/mo. to board and feed a horse. A 4-wheeler can be purchased for about $150/mo. , and the amount of fuel it takes is much cheaper than feed. Plus it doesn't cost anything to store it when it's not in use. They could even buy a car cheaper, since it gets paid off after 4-5 years.
  
• A horse lives 30 years and you are stuck with the same one the whole time and paying board for that length of time. You can buy 5 or 6 new 4-wheelers in that time, continually upgrading.
• A horse can only go so fast. You can sup up a 4-wheeler and make it go faster.
• A horse gets tired out. A 4-wheeler doesn't.
• A 4-wheeler is a pleasure vehicle, but a horse?

His final statementwas a reiteration: "Who in their right mind would want a horse when they could have a 4-wheeler?" You should have been here. It was hilarious.

Hope (continued)

I am always searching for signs of hope for my future. My favourite horoscope site (which is linked here on my blog) is often correct, even with the general description of what is happening in the skies for a particular sign. I know that it cannot apply to everyone and is more closely accurate when your place, date, and time of birth are established. Boy was he right with mine! Last year when he did a free personal horoscope based on that information, only one statement on the numerous pages could I say was not me and my life. It actually gave me goosebumps.

In any case, since I have been searching ever more frantically for signs of hope in the past couple months, I have been saving the odd forecast to see if anything is happening about them. Here are some of the summaries:

June 2 — ... nor need you feel that your brightest hopes are never due to be fulfilled. The planets soon, have a real treat in store for you. (I'm still waiting for this.)

July 12 — Something rather wonderful is taking place. (Is it, and I don't know about it?)

Week of July 24 — ... it is becoming clear that something needs to alter. The good news is, that can all happen smoothly, soon. (Yeah ... something has got to give.)

July 26 — Why can't you do what you want to do? Who says that it is impossible? Look, please, at your reason for feeling thwarted. Is it a truly convincing one? Or is it artificial; self-created, socially imposed or ignorance fuelled? (I am pretty good at imagining barriers that may or may not exist. I wish I didn't analyse my life so much some times. Really makes me feel like I will never get anywhere I want to go.)

And a psychic tells me this:

... And yet you sometimes have some great moments of enthusiasm, but they are followed by hideous moments of profound discouragement ... You often feel deeply discouraged and courageless, you have the unpleasant feeling you have lost control of the events. (Truer words have never been spoken.)

So, where do I find hope other than in the dictionary. I try prayer, I read scripture and horoscopes (contrary to one another, I know), all to no avail. I keep letting it go and telling myself I don't want any of it, but I know I do. Problem is I want some of it too much. If even just one thing would take a positive turn, I may feel hope for the rest. And so ... I continue to pray for hope. I really need a change in some way. Where do you find hope?

Hope

Hope is a such a little word. The dictionary defines it as follows:

Hope—an expectation that what one desires will happen; trust; reliance.

I offer another definition:

H.O.P.E.—Hard on people's egos.

What is life without hope? We all need to have hope. We all need to wish for or believe in something. Sometimes that can be so hard when there is something you hope for so incredibly much and it doesn't happen when you want it to or doesn't seem as if it ever will. How can you trust that it will? People keep telling me "It will happen. You just wait and see. Five years from now you will look back and laugh at how you are doubting now." Five years? That seems like an eternity to me. I only wish I could be as sure as they are. How can I? Can you offer some suggestions?

The Power of Nutrition

We all know that exercise and diet are important to good health, but do you really know all the important stuff about diet? Here are some secrets to losing/maintaining weight and good health. Some may surprise you.

• Diabetes can actually be cured by proper nutrition, as can other illnesses like heart disease, artery blockages, and bowel disorders.
  
• Choose wholesome, fresh, unrefined foods. (Refined foods are such things as white sugar, white flour, and packaged cereals. These foods have all the nutrition removed from them and rob your body of vital resources.) Better choices are fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Choose organic ones where you can to reduce even further the toxins your body ingests.
• Eat at the proper times and in the proper manner. Chew your food thoroughly before you swallow it. Don't eat on the run. Your body is in flight motion and does not provide the proper amounts of acid your stomach requires to digest properly. The result is indigestion. The whole world works according to the rising and setting of the sun. So, too, your body. Your metabolic rate is much slower in the evening than in the morning, so if you eat the bulk of your food late at night, your body will not digest it well and your activity level is diminished so you will not burn your food well. Your body will store more of it. Don't eat if you are very tired or very stressed because your body, again, will not provide the proper acids to digest it.
  
• Never overeat. Your stomach is about the size of your fist and will expand if you overfeed it. Remember less is better. Eat less more often.
• 70% of your diet should contain water-rich foods. Don't fill up on water. Drink when you are thirsty. You can't cleanse your system by drowning it.
• Avoid the five "cell destroyers." (1) Refined sugar—rots your teeth and destroys your immune system; (2) Flesh foods—minimize or eliminate as much meat and fish from your diet as possible. They are full of antibiotics and saturated fats that clog your arteries and cause your red blood cells to stick together. This is why the vast majority of our society die from heart-related illnesses. The body burns carbs first before protein. Excess protein causes excess nitrogen, which in turns causes fatigue.; (3) Dairy foods—We are the only animals on the earth to drink another animals milk and drink it past infanthood. It can cause a high degree of mucus in the body that will affect many things, including causing asthma and other respiratory problems. This is why children have so many ear infections. We don't need milk for calcium. The Norwegians who are the largest consumers of dairy products in the world have the highest incidents of osteoporosis. There is more calcium in a cup of chopped broccoli than in a glass of milk. (4) Table salt/sodium—too much can cause high blood pressure leading to heart disease. If you need to use salt, minimize its use and switch to sea salt. (5) Tea/coffee—more than 2 cups of either a day can cause stomach irritation, high cholesterol, and can cause kidney damage.

The moral of the story: we truly are what we eat. We only pass this way but once. Why not make it a wonderful, healthy, memorable trip.

Blue Moon?

There are two full moons this month. Some call it a blue moon. A true blue moon, however, according to astrologers happens when the two full moons happen within a month in the same zodiac sign. A difference of opinion there.

In any case, everyone believes it has significant meaning. What will it mean in your life? Something good I hope. For me too.

Power of the Mind

The doctor of the future will give no medicine, but will instead interest his patients in the care of the human frame, in diet, and in the cause and prevention of disease. — Thomas Edison

Well ... that was one very intuitive man that Thomas Edison. This is exactly the direction that medicine is taking these days. More and more we are seeing preventative medicine measures and promotions for active, healthy lifestyles. All of these things contribute to better health.

I am currently reading a book about this that is phenomenal. I believe in the body's ability to heal itself, even from such things as cancer and heart disease. The basis for this is to treat the cause, not the symptom, which is wher most of modern medicine fails. One of the key factors in this rests in the power of the mind.

Think about it for a moment ... we can get ourselves into quite a state of despair by thinking too many negative thoughts. (I do that too often.) If the mind is that powerful in the negative sense, why wouldn't we believe it can be as powerful in a positive sense. There is evidence to prove that this is the case. People have actually cured themselves from terminal cancers by using the power of their mind. It simply involves changing to a healthy lifestyle and changing the thinking pattern to a positive, healing one. One where you really want to survive; one where you can sit quietly and focus on and imagine your body healing itself several times a day, until it actually does.

Hogwash you say? Consider this: if you think about something sad, can it make you cry? If you think about something happy, does it make you smile? If you touch something hot, does your brain tell you to move so you don't get burned? If you think about something scary, does it send chills up your spine? I'm sure your answer is yes. Therefore, your brain is a powerful tool. We just have to train ourselves to use it properly for good and healing rather than for evil and pain.

Is something bothering you emotionally or physically? Give it a try.

The Fruit of Life

Go out on a limb; that's where the fruit is.

OK ... can someone show me how to climb a tree? I'm afraid of heights, so this won't help much. I really do want that fruit, however. How else can I get it if I can't climb the tree?

Dating Services

There are many different kinds of dating services available today. My well-meaning friends make sure I know about them and keep trying to persuade me to use these services. They include

• Internet dating
• Telephone dating
• Personal ads
• Quick dates
• Singles clubs

Here are the reasons why I don't use these services:

• Internet dating—posting your picture and a bit about you on the Internet is dangerous, especially if it falls into the wrong hands. There are a lot of perverts out there. Besides, this type of dating is most often judged by a person's looks. While that is important to a degree, it is what is inside that makes the biggest difference.
• Telephone dating—This is the opposite of the Internet. Now you don't see their faces, so they are able to lie to you about a lot of things and you may not know the difference.
• Personal ads—Hello!!!! Placing an ad in the newspaper seems like desperation to me. More like buying and selling than the Internet and telephone dating services, since it is mixed with all the other buy and sell ads.
• Quick dates—In this type of dating, groups of people get together and have about 3 minutes to sit with a partner and learn something about them. The alarm goes off and you switch to the next one. How much can you really get to know about someone that quickly? Sure, you can tell if someone is a complete ass in that time, but you can't find out if they are really nice either.
• Singles clubs—This is probably one of the better choices, if I had to choose. At least you are in a public place with many other people. You could spend as much or as little time with someone as you choose. You have a better chance of getting to know someone this way.

I subscribe to a couple Christian Internet sites. One of them, in the past few months, has taken to sending me e-mails about a Christian dating service where I could find my "Christian soulmate." While I believe in soulmates and truly want one in my life, I think many of these approaches to finding that person fall short of the mark. Yes, perhaps some people are meant to find their soulmates that way, and if it works for them, great! Personally, I believe that God puts soulmates in the path of each other at the appropriate time, usually when it is least expected by both parties and sometimes under the type of circumstances you would least expect.

So ... forgive me my friends, but I just can't use these services. However, thank you for caring.

What Do You Believe In?

Do you believe in

• magic
• the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
• leprechauns
• luck
• wishes
  
• genies
• angels
• Satan
• God
• the power of prayer
• Tarot cards
• horoscopes
• psychics or fortune tellers
  
• love at first sight
• heaven
• hell
• yourself

We all need to believe in something. What do you believe in?

God, I pray to you to send an angel from heaven to help the fortune teller properly read my Tarot cards so that a genie can grant me a wish and send me to Ireland to find that leprechaun with the pot of gold and rid me of this financial hell Satan has me. Then perhaps I may believe myself worthy to experience the magic of love at first sight as my horoscope tells me.

How is that for believing in something?

What's the Use?

Have you ever felt like there is no purpose to life? Like you give and give and get very little in return? That your needs and wants seldom seem to get met, and perhaps never will? Why? Why does this happen? I've been awake since 4:30 a.m. wondering just that. I feel like I am getting no where in a hurry. What is the use? I try to stay positive about everything, but why bother? Very little that is good seems to come my way. I feel like I'm falling into a pit. I need to find a rope to hold onto. I need something to look forward to.

Forward—Stop—Rewind—Wait—Stop—Play

Dreams are never destroyed by circumstances. Dreams are born in the heart and mind, and only there can they ever die. Because while the difficult takes time, the impossible just takes a little longer. - Art E. Bay



I have dreams, but I am tired of waiting to see them come true. I seem to go forward a bit, then stop. Then things go backwards. Then I seem to be stuck in a waiting pattern again. Then stop again. Forward-backward-stop. Backward-stop. I am so sick of sitting at "stop" or "Wait." I feel as though that "play" button will never get pushed. Sometimes it makes me wonder why the hell I am here. For what purpose? Makes me feel like a big "LOSER."



My dreams never leave my head. Sometimes they drive me crazy because I want them so bad. I am virtually helpless in making them come true, so how will I ever see them? My patience too often runs thin. Why am I made to wait so long when others seem to get theirs so easily or so quickly. I'm told that it only looks like it comes easily to others when in reality it isn't. Sometimes that is little comfort, particularly when I have been waiting nearly my whole life for some. Am I asking for the impossible? If so, is the impossible possible at all? Mr. Bay says it just takes a little longer. Please define "a little longer." My horoscope says things are really happening for me this week, but all I see is busy-ness. 



I'm told to acknowledge my needs and wants, then let them go. Give them to God and see what happens. Well ... I give up. It's up to a Higher Power now. My favourite line of scripture is "Nothing is impossible for God." -Luke 1:37. Now, let's see what happens.



How long must I dream? 

Busy-ness

Well ... it has been another busy day. When will it end? Oh well ... I won't complain because no one wants to listen anyway. Besides, I have a really hot date tonight. A great end to a busy few days. I am going to curl up on the couch and watch tv with him. I can turn his heat up when I want and turn him back down when I want. I can play with him all evening if I want to. His name you ask? Well ... it is LM Hoff. At least I think that is what it is. That what it reads if I look up and down the switches. Yes, my date is with a moist heating pad. All this work is killing me. My back is aching sooooo bad. I really, really, really, really need a back rub. Any offers?

What a Day!!!

What a day I have been having! It started out with a busy day yesterday that lead into a bad evening last night. Then I woke with a headache today and forgot to take a couple things to work. Then I had a computer that took 3 tries to start and then kept crapping out on me. I had documents that I had trouble trying to distill to PDF. I had about 30 interruptions (literally) in my work today. I was being ripped like a wishbone, my work is coming at me fast and furious to a point where I am being overwhelmed with it, and on top of it all I have to prepare for a move to a new building during renovations. This happens right before 2 weeks vacation when my work will pile even higher.

How was your day? I think I really need a good hug.

Being a Parent—A Tough Job

Sometimes being a parent can be the hardest job in the world. It is hard to have to stand your ground and make things tough for your children so that they learn important lessons. It is hard to see them be upset because things can't go their way when they want them to or need them to.( Heck, that is hard for me too.) It is hard to watch them make the same mistakes you made when they won't take the lessons from your own experiences. It is hard to watch them fall and have to pull themselves back up again.

When baby birds are ready to fly, the mother pushes them out of the nest and watches helplessly while they either soar to the sky or fall to the ground. We, too, must watch our children to see what happens when they are old enough to fly. It is hard when you want to take them under your wing and protect them, but they must learn on their own. There are two important things you can teach them—independence and responsibility. It can be a struggle.

It is only through trials and tribulations that we become strong. We must let our children grow strong in the same way, and they will, in their own way.

Most of all, being a parent is a very rewarding gift from God. As frustrated as I sometimes get as a single parent, I know I have been twice blessed.

Did You Ever Wonder?

Have you ever wondered where some of these silly sayings come from? I do. Look at these ones:

• Let the cat out of the bag (Who put him in there and why?)
• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (uh huh)
• Gone to hell in a handbasket (Who would want to go there in anything?)
• Bob's your uncle (I have an Uncle Bob.)
• He/she is over the hill (As opposed to under the hill?)
• 'Til the cows come home (Don't they have to be brought home? I didn't think they could tell time.)
• 'Til hell freezes over (That really would be a really long time, wouldn't it?)
• In one fell swoop (A fell what?)
• Fall off the band wagon (I haven't seen many bands play on wagons.)
• Being high on drugs is "being stoned" (David stoned Goliath and killed him. Isn't that throwing rocks?)
• Being drunk is "being sloshed" (I thought that was something you did with water in a bucket.)
• What a 'ho! (Isn't that a garden tool?)
• A sandwich short of a picnic. (They must be hungry.)
• A brick short of a load (How much is a load anyway?)
• Not paddling with both oars in the water. (That makes you go in circles.)
• Two clicks short of a clue. (How many clicks are in a clue?)
• The light's on but no one is home. (So...go away. No one will answer.)
• If shoes were clues, you'd walk on the cheeks of your arse. (Neat trick!)
• Held the door when they were passing out brains. (What door? Where?)
• Whatever floats your boat. (Water? What else would you put it in?)
• Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (Does it? I'm not convinced.)
• So full of shit your eyes are brown. (Wouldn't you choke before it got that high?)
• That gives me the willies (I know what willies are. Isn't this a good thing? I think it is.)
  

Do you know what you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
(scroll down)









A piece of ass that will make you cry.

I've also learned today...

...that if you want a really good skin peel system to rejuvenate that old, tired looking skin, simply sit on something vinyl with your bare skin touching it. Stay there until your skin is really warm, then very quickly get up, not slowly. Instant skin peel. OMG! It hurts like hell.

I've learned today...

...that Keyboard likes to remind middle-aged people that they are half-way dead so they need to ensure that they make the most of the rest of their lives.

...that my son will learn not to eat greasy food and go right to bed because you wake up puking.

...that some drivers believe that the few seconds they have to wait behind someone who is unsure of the safety factor to proceed will mean life or death for them. No wonder we have road rage.

...that you can tell which male drivers don't pay close enough attention to their driving. You simply have to walk down a busy street wearing short form-fitting gym shorts and a tank top to spot them. It is amusing, however, that those with female passengers are very unlikely to turn their heads away from the road for fear of being smacked.

...that grandmothers will drop off their 8- or 9-year-old granddaughter at a busy sport complex and leave them alone for several hours. A young girl came up and started talking to me when I stopped for a moment to watch the activity in the pool. It was nice that she trusted me, but I was scared for who she might trust.

...that walking 4 km will make me burn about 170 calories, and the workout will make me lose about that many more and keep burning for several hours afterwards. What the heck did I eat for then?

...that 4 km of walking is over 5000 steps. Boy are my feet tired.

What did you learn today?

Going Backwards

Have you ever felt as though your life is standing still? That you can't make progress for love nor money? That parts of your life have actually retreated?

I hate this part of life. It is not a good feeling to have it seem as though nothing will ever move forward. Feeling like I am stuck in neutral. It is disheartening when I notice that old habits I took several years to break have suddenly resurfaced and I don't know why. That black cloud that hangs overhead threatening to rain on me just seems to keep getting bigger and smaller and bigger again. Yet I trudge onward praying that things will change.

I am told that I really have made tremendous progress in the past few years. I guess they are right. I keep trying to look at how far I have come rather than getting overwhelmed by how far I still have to go. Some days that works and others it's a struggle. But what can you do? Life is just like that. I guess I should be thankful that everyday above ground is a good day. It could be worse.

Human Touch

Sometimes it is hard to comprehend what human touch can actually do for a person. It is a very essential part of life. We all need it, some to a greater degree than others. Look at the premature babies in the hospital. Those who receive cuddling and human interaction of a loving nature thrive much better than those that do not. It is very hard to live without that in your life. It leaves a void that is nearly impossible to fill in any other way. There are many things that human hands can do, but the ability to reach out and provide a loving touch is incredible.

Fascinating Facts

I have always been a nature buff. No, that doesn't mean I walk around naked. It means that I am fascinated by things in nature. Even people can be fascinating if you take time to really look. Here are some interesting facts you may not have known.

- The planet Venus spins from east to west while all other planets spin from west to east, and it's day is longer than it's year.

- The grass under a tree never freezes, even in a hard frost. The tree acts like an electric fire giving off infrared rays.

- Blood type is determined by the presence of marker proteins on the red blood cells.

- A cat has a rough tongue because it contains numerous tiny, hardened nodules used for rasping the last scrap of flesh from bones and for cleaning their coat, since they are solitary animals. (Doesn't sound very pleasurable to me.)

- Dogs bury bones to eat later so that they are not taken by scavengers, a trait from their wild roots.

- Tortoises live in excess of 120 years because their vital organs don't degenerate with age.

Fascinating, isn't it?

Honesty

Tonight is the second time in the past few years that I have found an almost complete sheet of bus tickets that someone dropped. I could easily have dropped them into my gym bag, but my conscience wouldn't let me do that. I know how I would feel if I had lost them. I would be panic stricken looking for them again. That would be a major loss for me with my budget. I turned them in with hopes that someone would come back to look for them. Now I hope that the person I gave them to was honest enough to keep them for the rightful owner when they come back looking for them. If they decide to take them home instead, it is on their conscience, not mine.

Honesty is really the best policy. I just couldn't keep them.

Invisible Power

In my work today, I came across a children's science book entitled, Invisible Power. It got me thinking about how many different kinds of power are invisible. We may see the effects of it, but we cannot actually see the power itself. Here are some of them.

- a vacuum (not the kind to clean your floor)
- magnetism (love the personal kind)
- wind (please don't break any)
- the mind (Can you bend a spoon with your mind?)
- God (Whoa!! He's real powerful)
- the universe (Lots of powerful stuff there, too)
- microwaves (not the ovens)
- infrared rays (well...maybe you can see the red)
- x-rays (Take off those x-ray vision glasses! How embarrassing.)

There are buttons all over my house that have "power" written on them. Each one performs a different job. I can see the effect of pushing the button, but the power that makes them do the job is invisible to the naked eye. Neat, huh!

The power I like the most, though, is the power of love. Nothing, but nothing, on this Earth can ever compare. Not even close.

Ears

Everyone has ears, unless of course they have had an accident or some sort of birth defect. Ears come in all different sizes and shapes throughout the animal kingdom. There are animals like frogs whose ears are hard to find. Then there are those of African elephants whose large ears have many uses, but are primarily used to keep them cool because of the number of rich blood vessels in them.

Have you ever stopped to think, though, why we have two ears and only one mouth? Perhaps we are meant to listen twice as much as speak. I think I am good at listening. I often will not speak until I have listened carefully, mulled over the information I have heard, and then offer up my opinion on the situation. I don't like to say something until I know how to say it appropriately (or at least so I think I can). So if I seem to be silent when you tell me something, I am simply trying to sort through the information before I am ready to respond. I like to think before I speak about important stuff. Trust me ... that was a difficult thing to learn, but I learned it serves me much better in the end.

Two ears, one mouth.

Sleep

Do you know that polar bears are the only bears that do not hibernate? This has a lot to do with the fact that they are carnivores, where the black and brown bears are herbavores so their food dies over the winter. A polar bear can smell a dead seal up to 12 miles away. That's what I call a good sense of smell.

Wouldn't it be neat, though, to go to sleep when life gets tough to survive in and wake up with everything new and fresh and waiting just for you? Sometimes I wish I could do that.

Right now I am having trouble with sleeping. Sure do wish I could hibernate for awhile. I would love to have a cuddly bear to curl up with, but those polar bears might eat me alive.

Trunks

There are several kinds of trunks:

- Swimming trunks for men
- A trunk in your car
- A storage trunk
- A tree trunk
- The torso of your body is called a trunk
- A main channel or passage is also called a trunk


The most fascinating trunk of all is the trunk of an elephant. Do you know why an elephant has a trunk? I'll tell you why.

Elephants are very large, heavy animals, as we all know. Because they continue to bulk up as they grow, they have very little flexibility. If they didn't have a trunk, they would have to get down on their knees to eat from the ground. This is very difficult for an elephant. So they use their trunks to reach food both high and low and bring it to their mouths. As a result of not having to take their mouth to the food, their incisors grow incredibly long and are what we know as tusks, which nearly drove them into extinction by hunters harvesting ivory. Elephants can use this strong nose to smell, carry food and water, cool their body with water, and tear down obstacles. With training, they can even untie a knot with it. Bet you can't do that with your nose!!

Pretty neat animals, huh?

Phrases to Live By

* My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't! [Some truth there.]

* I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! [Sad, isn't it?]

* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. [I think we all know some of them]

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. [Having control is only an illusion.]

* Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. [Ain't that the truth. Live a little.]

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. [haha]

* I'm not a complete idiot—some parts are missing. [No feedback, please.]

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? [Scary thought!]

* Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! [Amen to that!]

* Wrinkled was not one fo the things I wanted to be when I grew up. [I'm beginning to feel like a Shar pei puppy.]

* He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. [There are no roof racks on a hearse.]

* A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

* The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. [teehee. Never thought of that.]

* HAM AND EGGS: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig. [Now that is food for thought.]

* Bumper Sticker: If you can read this, thank a teacher! If you are reading this in English, thank a Veteran!

Eggs Anyone?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!

It's possible that "Humpty Dumpty" refers to a powerful cannon used during the English Civil War (1642–49). It was mounted on top of the St. Mary's at the Wall Church in Colchester defending the city against seige in the summer of 1648, which fell "off the wall" and couldn't be mended. I have also heard it said that this refers to one of the kings in European history and something that happened to him. Which one, I don't know. However, this nursery rhyme has a different meaning for me.

From my life experiences I have discovered that sometimes you need to fall apart really hard like this—get it all out—before you can put yourself back together again. No one else can put you back together. It is a personal struggle. Others can offer a hand and a shoulder that will comfort you, but ultimately it is the inner strength that you find that puts the pieces back in place with a different look. This has happened to me on a few occasions. Hindsight has always shown me how much personal growth I have gained from each fall. It seems an awfully hard way to grow, but it sure is effective.

May your falls be few and your growth abundant.

I Believe ...

I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, in love even when I am alone, and in God even when He is silent.

Each of us has to have something to believe in. I don't know about you, but it is the only thing that keeps me sane by times.

Start by believing in yourself. I believe in you.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Here are some amazing things to think about:

Adam and Eve were chosen to be the first people to populate our earth, in spite of the fact that they ate that forbidden fruit.

Noah was a drunkard and didn't even know how to build a boat let alone an ark.

Moses killed a man and afterwards was chosen to lead the people of Egypt out of slavery.

King David had 300 wives and 700 concubines (that's too much PMS?) but still just had to have Bathsheba, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. So, he swept her away and took her, then killed her husband so he could marry her. He is known as the greatest king ever. He reigned for 70 years and is the direct line from which Jesus was a descendant.

A 13-year-old girl who was engaged to a carpenter was chosen to conceive a baby, not by her husband-to-be.

Howard Hughes was one of the wealthiest men of his day, yet he lived a life of a hermit, hiding from the world. Did all that wealth really help him?

Mother Teresa devoted her life to the service of others, living in extreme poverty, yet she died of illness that was not to be cured.

How many examples there are of this type of thing in life. Those who seem to have it all, yet endure one hardship after another. Those who may be judged by others to have led a less than "perfect" life, yet great things happened to them.

Life is full of surprises. It doesn't matter who we are, we all endure hardships and good times. We all see the people we love die and some of our dreams fall by the wayside, at least for a time. If we focus too heavily on the hardships, we don't see the good things we have or can have. We all have dreams and visions of our futures. Some come to fruition quickly; some don't; some do after much sweat and toil at a much later date than we would have preferred. We often have no control over conditions or timing.

I don't believe that our hardships are a result of any thing we may have done wrong in our lives. I don't believe that blessings only come to those who lead "the good life." No one on this Earth is perfect. EVERYONE has good and bad in their lives. There was only ever one perfect man who walked this Earth, and I would not have wanted to endure his demise. If crucifixion is the blessing given for living a "perfect" life, then I will pass, thank you very much.

There are many times when I have beaten myself up believing that I was somehow responsible for the bad things that have happened to me or that I couldn't see my dreams come true. Most of my dreams have not come true yet, and I have seen 4 decades so far. I still pull that stick out from time to time, but I am much quicker to put it away or hand it to a friend. It took many years for me to discover that blaming myself for these things is a trait held by most, if not all, ACOAs. It took several more years for me to believe that this just was not true. Good and bad happen to us all. One of the mottos of my 12-step program was you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. This holds true for most everything. It is just the way life goes. Yeah, it sucks really hard, but that's life.

The challenge remains, however, for me to believe that I can actually have the things I dream of. My heart knows I can; my mind challenges me on that. The truth is it can and it will in the appropriate time. The same is true for you too.

I just need to keep seeing that glass as half full. I thank my friends who keep steering me in that direction. I'm glad they don't get tired of sending me there. Staying positive in the midst of pain is not impossible, but it is very very difficult. There is no question about that. There is, however, a light at the end of every tunnel. Follow that light!!!

Question #2

When?

A Question

Why?

Letting Go

I think we all know what is meant by the term "letting go." Knowing what it means and putting it into practice are two entirely different things. Letting go of something is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I seem to have to do it repeatedly.

When we want something really bad, we will work really hard towards that end. It gets frustrating to keep trying and have it seem continuously out of our grasp. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to get something it won't change the timing in which we get it. All it does is exhaust us in the process. We will get it "when the time is right," in spite of our efforts to speed it up.

There are other times when we really need to let something go but we hold onto the pain it causes us. This often happens in cases of abuse against women and children. These victims become so familiar with this type of pain and suffering, that they are afraid they cannot exist without it. They become martyrs. Problem is ... the cycle tends to continue.

In both cases, letting go is important. We would drive ourselves crazy trying to make something happen or holding onto something that is unhealthy for us. Letting go allows us to heal and enjoy today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

For me ... this is still a hard thing to continue to practise. So ... I will try to practise these things:

- Let go of anger - it is one letter short of danger.
- Let go of denial - it means we are not facing reality.
- Let go of fear - it means being overwhelmed by "what ifs" and can paralyze us.
- Let go of perfection - striving for excellence is exhilarating; striving for perfection is self-defeating.
- Let go of sadness - it keeps us from being able to accept love and joy.
- Let go of self-doubt - it means we can take care of ourselves and we should.
- Let go of timing (my favourite) - it means we give up control to make things happen now that will happen naturally and in perfect timing later on.

So, God, grant me the gift of patience to let things happen naturally and not hold onto those things that cause me pain. I know pain in life is expected, but suffering is optional.

PS: There is one thing I would prefer you not let go of around me. That would be that ball of gas rolling around below your belly button. Or at the very least, warn me first! :o)

Mental Telepathy

Have you ever wished you could read someone's mind? Would it be scary or exciting? Imagine what you could learn.

– What if your kids tell you a story and you wonder if it is the truth? If you read their minds, you might find out what they have been up to, but do you really want to know?

– what if you read the mind of the person sitting next to you on the bus? Maybe you would find out they are an addict.

– Perhaps someone is thinking they have an itch in a strategic place and are trying to think about how to scratch it without being seen.

– Perhaps they are planning a romantic evening with that someone special and are thinking about how it will all go. (Whoa! You shouldn't know those thoughts.)

– When a member of the opposite sex is staring at you. What are they thinking about you? Do they think you are ugly or sexy? Are they thinking lude thoughts?

– When someone close to you has a problem. Might they be thinking of a hundred different ways to fix it and you are saying to yourself "No, not that way."?

There are times when I wish I knew what someone was thinking. Maybe a part of me really doesn't want to know. Perhaps mind reading is actually a scary thing. I guess I should be thankful that I was not given this gift.

Happy Canada Day!!

Today we celebrate the birthday of our great nation. A country where we have freedoms that other countries only dream of. A country where you can see all kinds of people from all different cultural backgrounds living together, sharing the land. No, we are not without our difficulties and some racism still exists, but we are living in the land of the free.

On this day, give thanks for what Canada means to you, and for all of those who have fought and lost their lives preserving our freedom.

I am proud to be Canadian.

Time

If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do, is save everyday til eternity passes away, just to spend them with you... —Jim Croce, Time in a Bottle

They say time flies, but it can also appear to drag.

Have you ever noticed that when you are doing something you don't like to do that time seems endless? The same is true when you are waiting for something. It seems like it will never get here. Patience is a virtue, a difficult one to maintain by times. It is much more difficult in some areas of life.

Then when you finally get where you are going or the event is here, time flies like crazy. You want the world to stand still so you can enjoy the moment forever, but time and tide wait for no one. Time marches on.

Short weeks, or broken weeks like this one, can seem long and endless. They can be harder to endure than a full week.

Soon it will be time for me to tuck my bones into bed. I'm tired. Time for sleep ... where did I put that blasted teddy bear this time?

Pet Peeve for the Day

We all have our pet peeves. One of mine is something that happens on our bus system here all too frequently. Yesterday I was coming home from work on the bus. It had stopped at one of the transfer stations, and a blind man was the last to get on. Not one of the 8 passengers in the courtesy seats got up to let him sit near the driver for directions. The driver did not even ask any of them to give him a seat. The man continued to stumble down the aisle bouncing from side to side. I was on the inside and couldn't get out to give him mine. Finally someone near the back of the bus got up and gave him their seat. I was in total disbelief at what I had just witnessed. I thought those courtesy seats were meant for people with physical challenges and the elderly!! I know only one of those passengers up front has problems that would not allow her to stand, but what about those other 7? And to make matters worse, the driver started to pull away while this man was struggling to walk down the aisle of the bus. He was too busy talking to a blond bombshell who was standing up beside him to see what was happening.

This is one of those times that I can say I get frustrated by inappropriate behaviour. Why were these people so selfish? This man took it all in stride. It seems he may be accustomed to such behaviour. It's a pity he has to. It's an interesting world we live in. It's takes all kinds to make it go around.

I Say "X," You Hear "Y"

Communication can be a difficult thing. What one person says can be interpreted in a way that the sayer did not intend for it to be heard. This can cause arguments, heartache, and defensiveness. Knowing that what is said and what is heard can be different is part of understanding human nature. Asking for clarity shows patience before we jump to conclusions.

Unacceptable behaviour is not something we need to tolerate. Not from our spouses, our children, our friends, co-workers, or strangers on the street. We never have to accept unacceptable behaviour from anyone. That being said, we also cannot change the actions of other people. It is a definition of who they are. The only thing we can change is our reaction to them. That defines who we are. This sometimes requires patience on our part and being tolerant of the fact that we cannot change the world or anyone in it. It shows who the bigger person is. No, rudeness and ignorance is not an acceptable behaviour, but we can't change the person exhibiting those behaviours.

There are many people in this world with an "it's all about me" attitude. Those people who feel that the world owes them everything. I know some of these people, and I'm sure you do too. I don't believe this is an acceptable behaviour, but I can't change it. I just walk away with the belief that someday "what goes around, comes around." Perhaps someday they will see the light. I can't make them see with eyes that are blind.

Getting angry about something you can't change only wastes your energy and gives the other person power over you. If they can't ruffle your feathers, they lose. Mine, by the way, are not ruffled, Keyboard. Try as you may. For you see, I am tolerant of our differences.

What a Beautiful Day!!!

What a beautiful morning it is. I am feeling much better, thank you. I'm just about there. I'm off the pity pot now. No ring around the bum.

Have you seen those strange blogs over at Sam's Place? He seems to be at odds with lots of loose ends. He's even forgetting to wear his underwear. Keyboard, I think Alzheimer's is beginning to set in. You put on your underwear BEFORE you put your pants on. Don't forget again, OK? We don't want any other odd ends hanging loose.

It seems he also wants to be wrapped in insulation to protect him from the world. That would be living in a cocoon. Those things that he finds irritating are meant to teach him patience and tolerance. Stinky food is a matter of taste. We all like to (or have to, in some cases) eat differently from others. Perhaps someone else finds your food distasteful and stinky. It's all a matter of preference.

And one last thing, Keyboard, if you get a Tim Horton's coffee, be sure to get it in an insulated cup so you don't spill it in your lap if you are not wearing underwear. I understand that stuff is super hot. It could cause some damage you'd rather not endure.

Happy Sunday!!!!!!

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt like you were sitting in a crowd where everyone is talking to someone, and you are sitting there all alone?

Have you ever felt like the whole world was smiling and you struggle to find a way to smile back?

Have you ever felt like the weight of the world has been laid on your shoulders with no one there to help you?

Have you ever felt like you are constantly wishing on someone else's star, watching everyone else get what you are wishing for?

Have you ever felt like you will never see your dreams become reality or have your prayers answered?

Have you ever felt all alone in the big wide world?

One can be a lonely number.

Yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself at the moment, but that is OK. I allow myself to feel what I am feeling, then I come back to reality. Excuse me while I sit on the pity pot. I'll be careful not to get ring around the bum.

Please Note

It is only 6 months until Christmas!!!!!! Start your shopping early. Get ahead of the crowds. I will start my letter to Santa now. Let's see ... I have a six-foot stocking and a little bit of ribbon. Hmmmm ... do you think Santa could "flesh" it out for me? What can I say? I am, after all, the Dreamweaver. It can't hurt to dream, even if I do dream impossible dreams, and reach for unreachable stars.

Graduation

I never thought I would see this day come. My youngest is graduating today. I have waited 13 years for this moment, and I am proud. As he walks across that stage, he can rest assured that I will be sitting there with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a quiet "YES!!!" escaping from my lips.

6:50 p.m.: Well ... it is official. He has graduated. Those tears I said I would have in my eyes? Well ... they flowed right down my cheeks, over and over again. What a big sap I am. I was so proud of him for finally making it this far. My baby has graduated. No more parent-teacher nights; no more fighting with the school system. My children are babies no more. It has been an emotional day.


Reality and Perception
Is the truth reality or what we perceive to be reality or does it lie somewhere in-between? Any of these can be a bitter pill to swallow depending on the circumstances. I shall keep a glass of water close at hand, just in case.

Roller Coasters

I've never been on a roller coaster. Well ... at least not the kind you find in amusement parks. They look pretty scary. The roller coaster rides that we endure in life can be scary too. When we go down into those valleys the world can seem far away. At the peaks, life can look wonderful, but it can be hard to stay there. I don't think we are actually meant to stay at the top forever. Life is meant to be full of roller coaster rides. But the rides do stop from time to time, and we get a reprieve and can look at the world from a plateau.

One such roller coaster ride is grief. There are 5 stages to the grief process: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and finally acceptance. We have to be gentle with ourselves through this process and deal with each stage as it comes. It is self-defeating to beat ourselves up as if we are somehow to blame. We have no control over most losses in life. Things just happen. That can be the hardest part of acceptance. The powerlessness we feel is something that is difficult for most people to accept. We haven't done anything wrong; we haven't caused this to happen. It just is.

Walk carefully, and use a stick only to support you as you travel.

Strange Happenings

Have you ever had things happen that you just can't explain? Some of them that keep repeating themselves?

One thing that seems to keep repeating itself in my life is the comfort level that strangers or people that I don't know very well seem to have with me. I find myself in the middle of discussions with people who are pouring out their life stories or are reaching out in some way for something they feel I have to offer. Sometimes it is information or advise because they know me enough to know that I may have this info or they know I can relate to something that is happening to them. Other times, I have no idea why people tell me the things the do. Perhaps they simply need someone to listen to their gripe? But why me? That's what I don't understand. If you don't know me from Adam, why do you tell me these things?

This happened to me today. Someone at work whom I have only met a few times is having a difficult time. He began to tell me all about it today and asked me if we could talk because I have some information that may be useful to him. It took me rather by surprise, but if I can help someone, I will, within reason of course.

Strange ... Why me?

The Absent-Minded Professional

Have you ever had one of those days when you are doing your work absent-mindedly? When your mind is anywhere else but your work and you just do your work like you are a robot, not even conscious of what you are really doing?

I had one of those days today. My mind is a 1000 miles away. Too many thoughts going through it that have nothing to do with work. I didn't want to be there. I made one big mistake as a result. I know better, but I forgot to save frequently and robotlike worked for over an hour without saving. Then the I deleted something I shouldn't have and another thing directly behind it with too quick a click of the mouse. Problem is, the program only holds the most recent "undo," and what I lost was a big chunk of text. So ... stupid me had to close out and lose all that work and reopen the file and start again.

I can't seem to stay focussed for long these days. I sure do hope I can shake this before too long. Too much work to do for mistakes like that. Must have been a blonde moment!!!!!

Hiking Boots

I heard a DJ on the radio criticizing Alec Baldwin for saying that nothing comes easy to him; that he must put on his hiking boots to get anywhere. This was in light of not winning awards. The DJ went on to say "Poor baby. All that money isn't enough." The DJ missed the point big time, and ticked me off in the process. It showed his lack of understanding of human nature and a lack of compassion.

Alec's statement has nothing to do with money but with a sense of self-worth or accomplishment. Some people have issues of self-worth that are very hard to overcome. He is probably wondering why he is not worthy of winning an award when he has worked so hard. He may feel cheated out of the things that give him a sense of who he is and what he means to someone or everyone. He may feel that what he has to offer wasn't worth the effort if he can't achieve that all-important goal.

We can criticize all we want about what is important to someone else or what someone else's goals are, but I can tell you firsthand that it hurts like hell to believe that you are not worthy of good things when you can't seem to achieve them; that everything falls away as it reaches your fingertips; as if you are being punished for something you perceive to have done wrong or not done well enough.

I know in my heart that I am worthy of good things and that we all are. The difficulty for someone who has to work so hard to achieve things and fails to see them happen again and again, is that of believing they will happen for them. So please ... put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to understand how they feel before you make criticisms. Or keep your opinions to yourself. I don't know about you, but God is my judge.

Fast Forward

Why is it that we all have a need to know what tomorrow brings? We search our horoscopes, read our tea leaves and our palms, rely on tarot cards, and listen for weather predictions to plan our day. Why can't we just live in today? Why do we search so fervently for answers to tomorrow's questions? In reality, we have little to no control over what tomorrow may bring. All we can do is live today and each day as it comes.

I know ... I am one of those people. If today feels empty, I search for clues or hope; something that will predict what might be. The predictions are seldom right. Sometimes the best things in life are unanswered prayers. When a prayer goes unanswered, it is because something else is in store, and it is usually better than what we had hoped for. We would not have gotten this if the original prayer had been answered. So we need to try to stop looking for tomorrow's answers and begin to enjoy and live today, because today is really all we have.

If we could untangle the mysteries of life and unravel the energies which run through the world; if we could evaluate correctly the significance of passing events; if we could measure the struggles, dilemmas, and aspirations of mankind, we could find that nothing is born out of time. Everything comes at its appointed moment. — Joseph R. Sizoo

Believing that things happen too slowly or too quickly is an illusion. Timing is perfect.

To My Dad

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you and whispered, "Come to Me."
With tearful eyes we watched you, and saw you pass away,
and although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only take the best.

I don't know about taking only the best, but I sure do know that He took one of the best. Dad, it has been 15 months now since you began a new journey in your life; one that will last for all eternity. I know you are at peace and surrounded by love. The memories here linger on.

I remember all the times I spent sitting on your knee as you drove the tractor in the field and when you were bouncing me up and down, singing to me. I remember all you taught me about gardening and recognizing the different vegetation. I remember all the times we watched the squirrels and chipmunks as they foraged for food and laughed at their antics. I remember all the times we spent in the boat fishing together. I remember the wrestling matches we watched together, Saturday night cartoons, and snuggling up under your arm. I remember all the laughs we shared when I listened to you speak of old times and community happenings. Most of all, I remember your smile, your kindness, and your love. Judging by the number of people who came to say goodbye to you, I was not the only one who remembers the good things you did.

I dreamed of you a while back, Dad. Being a farmer, you had one last valuable lesson to teach me. One you did not want me to forget. I got that message, Dad. You reminded me that I must sow my seeds with love, water and tend to them regularly, and that I will reap a beautiful harvest as a result. I know you are right, Dad. Waiting for the crop is the hardest, but is worth the wait.

Thank you, Dad, for all you have taught me. You were a great father, and I miss you. Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Love always from your daughter...

It's a Ho-Hum Sort of Day

I woke up today feeling great and alive. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. The world was looking beautiful. Then, the sun went behind the clouds, the temperatures cooled down, and so did my mood. Not every day is sunshine and roses. Today is cloudy. My mind reels to sort out the thoughts running through it. I'm trying to pick out the positive ones and leave the others behind. The negative ones are scary. I don't like them. Perhaps the sun will come out once again and uplift my spirit.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. — Robert Frost (1884–1963)

The Journey

The road of life is a difficult one to travel.
There are twists and turns; potholes and hills.
Sometimes the hills turn into mountains of infinite size.
Sometimes the potholes have no bottom,
But still we continue to travel.
There are valleys in our travel where we plunge into the depths; the view is much different from here.
We must look up to see the beauty that appears unreachable.
The road then begins to lead up the mountain out of the valley.
The days begin to look brighter up here, and we can see more in the distance.
We will reach many plateaus where nothing seems to change; all appears to stand still, but is it?
The road from these plateaus go up and down, but each time we ascend it is with more strength than before.
We grow in the valleys and blossom on the mountaintops.
We pause now and then to rest and take in the surroundings.
Trees that stand stark and still in winter spring forth new leaves.
The winds blow strong; the trees bend to endure it, then stand straight once again now stronger than before.
The rivers overflow as the cold snows of winter melt away.
Flowers that once took refuge from the cold now rear their heads.
We have forgotten their beauty during the cold and dark days.
The clouds give way to the sun; the moon and stars shine on the waters.
The rapids run into peacefully flowing rivers.
Each season must continually come and go.
The journey must continue.
We do not walk it alone.
Take my hand, and I'll take yours.

Update

Well, I armed for battle, felt I had been defeated in the first round and was quite upset, but persisted and found a way to win in the end. Now I am exhausted.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not like conflict at all, not the least little bit. I don't mind discussing a difference of opinion as long as the other person is not trying to push their opinion on me to change my mind. Conflict takes all the good out of me. I only fight when it is necessary. This time it was. At least my son knows that I will fight for an injustice, but will let him fall if the incident is the result of his own actions.

I believe that if you do the crime, you need to pay the time, but an injustice is worth fighting. I have taught my children that. They know that although I may not like or agree with what they do or choices they make, I will always be there for them and always love them. However, most of the battles from this time forward are theirs to fight now. They are of that age. Time to accept responsibility for their actions.

These last 10 days have been very trying, haven't they?

Battles

In the past week I spoke of fighting for injustice, knowing what we can and can't fight, and finding the courage to do so and not give up on our dreams.

Well ... my own battle has arisen as of last evening. I am putting on my artillery, and I shall plunge forward into battle. I will do all in my power to right this wrong. A major mistake has been made that allows me to put my toe in that loophole. This momma bear is about to fight for one of her young, and you don't mess with a momma bear when she is protecting her cubs.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has been wronged ... especially a mother.

More to come ...